Dr Mantis Toboggan's 'intervice adnetium': offering advice, knowledge, therapy and arbitration

[Dr Mantis Toboggan]

look in the mirror. u are fat, lonely. there are cans and cans of red bull lying around. how many? u count them but lose count because the fat is pressing on the brain and the smell of your stinky minute pecker is so overwhelming u can hardly focus on anything. there is a bitter taste of failure in your mouth. there's a distinct sense of a wasted life in the room, the spirits of your tutting, dead ancestors create a silent cacophony of shit, tossing the red bull cans to and fro in your own stanky wind. u are disgusting. no-one likes u. u will die alone, your corpse smelling somehow sweeter after several months decomposition. like the angels themselves were happy u had gone. when they finally unearth your bloated corpse your cats would have eaten your face. u gross fat catladyman

but that doesn't matter!

thanks to the wonders of the internet u can be anyone!

like this girl!

or this guy!

the internet is a gamechanger. for the first time in history the ugly can be beautiful. the stupid intelligent. the humorless funny. we can reinvent ourselves, become a new person, a new spirit, a new soul.

this isn't always that easy tho, which is why i, doctor mantis toboggan, am pleased to announce

intervice adnetium

our new service offers, simply, internet therapy. we offer confidential advice helping u become someone else. someone better. and i should know! this past award ceremony i took home 6 (6!) awards including the coveted '2nd most intelligent poster' award. for a one-time fee we can create an impressive simulacrum of u. one not at all as lame as the real u

ADDITIONAL SERVICES

• arbitration! normally handled by mods or admins, admittedly, too often in this age modmins are ineffectual, compulsive gambling addicts, one sided or, even, rape apologists. when called in for arbitration we will settle any disputes using a number of excellent therapists and arbiters
• swatting!
• account hacking!
• grooming!
• and more to come!

but don't take my word for it. we have the following excellent user reviews

Craig

You're a [good] monster [at internet therapy, Toboggan!]

 

[Libertadores FC]

 

[Stagat]

Ooh, get yourself to the burns unit, Dr.

 

[Dr Mantis Toboggan]

lib, mate, u gotta stop following me around you're obsessed

 

[Renegade]

Ian's passion to moderate other people on the Internet is evolving into something terrifying. Do you see what you've done modmins? You could have controlled him by giving him what he wanted, now he is out of your control. You have no one but yourselves to blame.

 

[TomPNE94]

Hi Doctor,

I have this "friend" who has become so obsessed with being a moderator on an online forum (I won't name it for legal reasons) that he/she is going clinically insane! Any advice?

The problem is, if he/she became a moderator, the whole forum would die within a week!

Please help him/her!

 

[Dr Mantis Toboggan]

although i am interested in your case, due to issues of confidentiality all communication should be in private, i'm afraid. from my initial assessment though i'd say your friend, if truly so passionate about modding that he or she could be considered 'obsessed', should be given a chance to mod. passion is the first thing one looks for in management, and in this age of moral greys and philosophical ineptitude, a passion for helping one's fellow man is too often, sadly, confused with insanity

pm me with some further details of your 'friend' though and let me know how i can help. my team is at your disposal

dr mantis toboggan

 

[PrestonCha]

Ian, you're a brilliant madman.

#IanForModminStatus


Your sig annoys the shit out of me tho.