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A number of, mainly American, pastors have declared that tomorrow's solar eclipse is, in fact, not a physical phenomenon that occurs occasionally, but the end of the world.
Regrettably, after 4.54 million years of fairly decent development that has led to such geological marvels as the Norwegian fjords, the Serengeti and Noddy Holder, it seems that all will come to an end shortly after breakfast tomorrow morning.
Now while it is appreciated that the end of the world is a fairly big thing, it is essential that British people set, as usual, the standard for proper behaviour before, during and after the Apocalypse. It is considered normal for much of the EU to snivel and complain that Germany has done fuck all to prevent the end of planet Earth, but in Britain, we are made of sterner stuff and will face up to eternal oblivion rather more stoically.
Please note the following advice for ensuring an orderly planetary termination:
- stiff upper lip, and ensure that if you are motoring at the time, use your hazard lights at the appropriate moment
- HMRC still expects your tax self-assessment to be paid, regardless of imminent extinction
- those who have booked advance or excursion tickets for 'The Rapture' should ensure that they queue in an orderly fashion and await Mr Branson's arrival. Day return tickets are not valid.
- Only existing members of approved religions are going to be saved and transported to the post-Apocalyptic paradise, which looks remarkably like Bury St Edmunds.
- those without tickets are assured that the event will be shown live on Sky.
- the end of the world is not a bank holiday and "spending time with my family" is considered a lame excuse for being absent from work
- please do not run around having sex with people, as this is clearly a very French reaction: the approved British coping strategy, as always, is just to apologise profusely for the imminent destruction.
- a lack of darkened glasses is the very least of your worries in Paignton.
- a small part of rock will spin through space for ever, with Bloomfield Road more or less intact: it will take more than the end of the world to prevent your relegation.
- do not hang hopefully around dolphins. It was a novel.
- no smoking
- The Deputy Prime Minister urges calm while he figures how to glue the planet back together again.
- UKIP will claim that this is what happens when a planet is created by dodgy people from the Middle East, and had the planet been built by British craftsmen it would have lasted longer
- rest assured that investment bankers, politicians and telemarketers will somehow find a way out of it all.
- If Russell Brand, Stephen Fry and Katie Hopkins are all left speechless, consider this a bonus on the day.
- Sorry Richard, but not so much a delusion as a preposterous, mind-shrinking reality. Record it on your Humax.
- looks like we'll never find out what would have happened to Jeremy Clarkson, to Forest's promotion prospects or who wins Masterchef.
Further useful advice on the end of the planet will be published in the weekend papers and at www.oops.gov.uk.
Regrettably, after 4.54 million years of fairly decent development that has led to such geological marvels as the Norwegian fjords, the Serengeti and Noddy Holder, it seems that all will come to an end shortly after breakfast tomorrow morning.
Now while it is appreciated that the end of the world is a fairly big thing, it is essential that British people set, as usual, the standard for proper behaviour before, during and after the Apocalypse. It is considered normal for much of the EU to snivel and complain that Germany has done fuck all to prevent the end of planet Earth, but in Britain, we are made of sterner stuff and will face up to eternal oblivion rather more stoically.
Please note the following advice for ensuring an orderly planetary termination:
- stiff upper lip, and ensure that if you are motoring at the time, use your hazard lights at the appropriate moment
- HMRC still expects your tax self-assessment to be paid, regardless of imminent extinction
- those who have booked advance or excursion tickets for 'The Rapture' should ensure that they queue in an orderly fashion and await Mr Branson's arrival. Day return tickets are not valid.
- Only existing members of approved religions are going to be saved and transported to the post-Apocalyptic paradise, which looks remarkably like Bury St Edmunds.
- those without tickets are assured that the event will be shown live on Sky.
- the end of the world is not a bank holiday and "spending time with my family" is considered a lame excuse for being absent from work
- please do not run around having sex with people, as this is clearly a very French reaction: the approved British coping strategy, as always, is just to apologise profusely for the imminent destruction.
- a lack of darkened glasses is the very least of your worries in Paignton.
- a small part of rock will spin through space for ever, with Bloomfield Road more or less intact: it will take more than the end of the world to prevent your relegation.
- do not hang hopefully around dolphins. It was a novel.
- no smoking
- The Deputy Prime Minister urges calm while he figures how to glue the planet back together again.
- UKIP will claim that this is what happens when a planet is created by dodgy people from the Middle East, and had the planet been built by British craftsmen it would have lasted longer
- rest assured that investment bankers, politicians and telemarketers will somehow find a way out of it all.
- If Russell Brand, Stephen Fry and Katie Hopkins are all left speechless, consider this a bonus on the day.
- Sorry Richard, but not so much a delusion as a preposterous, mind-shrinking reality. Record it on your Humax.
- looks like we'll never find out what would have happened to Jeremy Clarkson, to Forest's promotion prospects or who wins Masterchef.
Further useful advice on the end of the planet will be published in the weekend papers and at www.oops.gov.uk.
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