CrazyImp
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- @Sam_LCFC_90
(*imagine camp Eurovision opening here, clubs flags flying in the air. I come on stage wearing a red and white cravatte, or something....hopefully this video of B2TF will inspire.)
Hello, bonjour, guten tag, ciao.....as quickly as one season ends like Grimsby's inevitable play-off hopes, a new one blooms, much like this forum's love and affection for Macclesfield last season. The Macc Machine eventually stuttered and ran out of gas, but who will capture 1FF's hearts and minds this year? Can the Lincoln Loco play its way out of eternal mid-table? Will Guiseley's main stand be able to survive a stiff breeze or 20 Woking fans? So many questions, but now let's take a first look at our 24 contestants this year!
Aldershot vs. Gateshead
Altrincham vs. Forest Green
Barrow vs. Dover
Boreham Wood vs. Halifax
Bromley vs. Wrexham
Chester vs. Braintree
Kidderminster vs. Grimsby
Lincoln vs. Cheltenham
Southport vs. Eastleigh
Torquay vs. Macclesfield
Tranmere vs. Woking
Welling vs. Guiseley
First let's start with our neighbours just up the road, who surprisingly received nil points from us last season, Grimsby....as always, they can be depended upon to deliver a strong entry, like Kim Kardashian or Nicki Minaj, very solid at the back, but that hasn't been their issue whilst chasing the Tinpot title over the past few seasons.....they will hope to have rectified this by purchasing Bogle and Amond, and will start at Kidderminster, a club with great food but who have suffered from production problems recently....expectations are limited.
And so we move swiftly on to one of their main rivals, who have promised to deliver a spectacular performance for such a tiny club, it may even go down as a mythical "vision" when we speak of it in ten years' time....yes that's right, Eastleigh will begin their quest to achieve the fairytale on gates averaging 68 at Southport, the ultimate clash of cultures.....Donnatella Versace meets Vera Duckworth. The latter knows a trick or two on her own patch, the Hampshire Ambition will have to be careful.
Next up, we have some new faces to the contest this year.....Tranmere, who have been left reeling after being slapped in the face two seasons running by Lady Relegation, and have assembled a squad high on personality if not brains, will begin their non-league journey at home to Woking. Expect the Dolly Partons of this division to pick up a lot of points from the smaller territories a la Bristol Rovers last season, but it may not be enough to lift the glittering trophy.
Another new(ish) entrant is Cheltenham, who have a good leader at the helm and will be looking to steady a pretty turbulent ship after dropping to this sordid level, and they have the absolute honour of visiting Sincil Bank first this season, where they will be treated to the equivalent of a mind-numbing Montenegrin ballad......for some reason, we'll pick up enough points from somewhere to finish anonymously in mid-table, rinse and repeat. Chris Moyses to do a passable Englebert impression.
Of the newly promoted tinpotters, Boreham Wood have arguably improved their lot the most, enhancing their assets in the middle with the quality of Scott Doe in particular. They host Halifax first, whom the individual in the video at the start supports, and resembled Boris Becker in a cupboard last season - started well, but ultimately ran out of stamina, the glory came and went all too quickly. They'll be looking for more consistency this time out. Also in the south, Bromley will host Wrexham, who have only just removed Gary Mills from his armspread dancemove in the Racecourse centre circle.
Elsewhere around the country.....Aldershot will be optimistic of improving this season with diva Barnes-Homer representing them up front, and host a somewhat declining, saggy Gateshead.....Forest Green will enter the stage as always in their midas suits, it's a shame there's little of substance behind the glitz more often than not - three points at Altrincham would go some way to disproving this.....Dover will hope to avoid the naff second-season entry that falls down the standings with a lovely short visit to Barrow.....Chester will hope to avoid some opening day cheese at home to Braintree.....last season's sweethearts Macclesfield will hope to be breakdancing all along Torquay pier come 5pm.....and finally, Welling welcome Guiseley, a fixture that is sexier than Scarlett Johansson and Mila Kunis combined without argument.
And there you have it. 24 teams all fighting for the right to lift the Vanarama jewel, the tinpot tiara, the non-league diamond.....all for the right to avoid this hellhole next year, a worthy prize I'm sure you'll all agree. So sit back, enjoy the moment Tranmere get walloped 5-0 at Guiseley, savour the time Boreham Wood pull over 500 fans in, revel in the £50 notes Richard Hill disguises as ambition.....and you never know, dreams can come true, your team could be queens of this tinpot kingdom come April/May 2016.
Exit, to hone my Montenegrin accent.
Hello, bonjour, guten tag, ciao.....as quickly as one season ends like Grimsby's inevitable play-off hopes, a new one blooms, much like this forum's love and affection for Macclesfield last season. The Macc Machine eventually stuttered and ran out of gas, but who will capture 1FF's hearts and minds this year? Can the Lincoln Loco play its way out of eternal mid-table? Will Guiseley's main stand be able to survive a stiff breeze or 20 Woking fans? So many questions, but now let's take a first look at our 24 contestants this year!
Aldershot vs. Gateshead
Altrincham vs. Forest Green
Barrow vs. Dover
Boreham Wood vs. Halifax
Bromley vs. Wrexham
Chester vs. Braintree
Kidderminster vs. Grimsby
Lincoln vs. Cheltenham
Southport vs. Eastleigh
Torquay vs. Macclesfield
Tranmere vs. Woking
Welling vs. Guiseley
First let's start with our neighbours just up the road, who surprisingly received nil points from us last season, Grimsby....as always, they can be depended upon to deliver a strong entry, like Kim Kardashian or Nicki Minaj, very solid at the back, but that hasn't been their issue whilst chasing the Tinpot title over the past few seasons.....they will hope to have rectified this by purchasing Bogle and Amond, and will start at Kidderminster, a club with great food but who have suffered from production problems recently....expectations are limited.
And so we move swiftly on to one of their main rivals, who have promised to deliver a spectacular performance for such a tiny club, it may even go down as a mythical "vision" when we speak of it in ten years' time....yes that's right, Eastleigh will begin their quest to achieve the fairytale on gates averaging 68 at Southport, the ultimate clash of cultures.....Donnatella Versace meets Vera Duckworth. The latter knows a trick or two on her own patch, the Hampshire Ambition will have to be careful.
Next up, we have some new faces to the contest this year.....Tranmere, who have been left reeling after being slapped in the face two seasons running by Lady Relegation, and have assembled a squad high on personality if not brains, will begin their non-league journey at home to Woking. Expect the Dolly Partons of this division to pick up a lot of points from the smaller territories a la Bristol Rovers last season, but it may not be enough to lift the glittering trophy.
Another new(ish) entrant is Cheltenham, who have a good leader at the helm and will be looking to steady a pretty turbulent ship after dropping to this sordid level, and they have the absolute honour of visiting Sincil Bank first this season, where they will be treated to the equivalent of a mind-numbing Montenegrin ballad......for some reason, we'll pick up enough points from somewhere to finish anonymously in mid-table, rinse and repeat. Chris Moyses to do a passable Englebert impression.
Of the newly promoted tinpotters, Boreham Wood have arguably improved their lot the most, enhancing their assets in the middle with the quality of Scott Doe in particular. They host Halifax first, whom the individual in the video at the start supports, and resembled Boris Becker in a cupboard last season - started well, but ultimately ran out of stamina, the glory came and went all too quickly. They'll be looking for more consistency this time out. Also in the south, Bromley will host Wrexham, who have only just removed Gary Mills from his armspread dancemove in the Racecourse centre circle.
Elsewhere around the country.....Aldershot will be optimistic of improving this season with diva Barnes-Homer representing them up front, and host a somewhat declining, saggy Gateshead.....Forest Green will enter the stage as always in their midas suits, it's a shame there's little of substance behind the glitz more often than not - three points at Altrincham would go some way to disproving this.....Dover will hope to avoid the naff second-season entry that falls down the standings with a lovely short visit to Barrow.....Chester will hope to avoid some opening day cheese at home to Braintree.....last season's sweethearts Macclesfield will hope to be breakdancing all along Torquay pier come 5pm.....and finally, Welling welcome Guiseley, a fixture that is sexier than Scarlett Johansson and Mila Kunis combined without argument.
And there you have it. 24 teams all fighting for the right to lift the Vanarama jewel, the tinpot tiara, the non-league diamond.....all for the right to avoid this hellhole next year, a worthy prize I'm sure you'll all agree. So sit back, enjoy the moment Tranmere get walloped 5-0 at Guiseley, savour the time Boreham Wood pull over 500 fans in, revel in the £50 notes Richard Hill disguises as ambition.....and you never know, dreams can come true, your team could be queens of this tinpot kingdom come April/May 2016.
Exit, to hone my Montenegrin accent.
