Cornish Piskie
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- May 18, 2017
- Messages
- 450
- Reaction score
- 265
- Points
- 63
- Location
- Penzance, Cornwall
- Supports
- Charlton Athletic
January: Brexit negotiations re-open after the Christmas break. The EU say "Non" to everything. David Davis says Brexit is progressing exactly as planned although concern is expressed about a rather nervous looking twitch in the corner of one eye and the way one of his hands now appears to be constantly shaking.
February: Manchester City win the Premier League before Valentine's Day. Jose Maurinho blames referees and cancels his daily doorstep milk delivery.
March: Victorian undertaker Jacob Rees-Mogg proposes Remain campaigners be burned at the stake as heretics. "This is the word of God" he declares on Have I Got News For You, a programme that gives him airtime out of curiosity for what he's going to come up with next.
April: After months of secret negotiations, Britain signs a trade deal with Liechtenstien to supply them with several second hand tractors. Liam Fox says this "Exciting deal" is precisely what Brexit is all about.
May: Manchester City win the FA Cup and Champions League. Jose Maurinho claims their winning two trophies in one month is "Disrespectful."
June: FIFA World Cup sees England lose 3-0 to Panama and nobody is at all surprised. England fans get beaten up first by Russian hooligans, and then by Russian police. Donald Trump sees headline "England first on plane home" and Tweets "Glad to see England First patriots returning home early with world cup." No Donald, that's FROM the world cup.
July: It is becoming increasingly clear that there will be no trade deal with the EU. When questioned in Parliament, David Davis says that he can't risk government negotiating strategy being revealed after several documents are leaked to the press revealing that the government doesn't have a strategy. He dismisses speculation that he has started taking medication for increasingly severe bouts of depression.
August: David Davis takes his summer holiday in a de-stress clinic just outside Zurich. Teresa May goes walking in the Welsh mountains and has a conversation with a sheep who looks suspiciously like Boris Johnson wearing a sheepskin rug. It tells her to "Caaaaaalllll an election...... caaaaalllll an election....... caaaaallll an election."
September: Man-frog impersonator Nigel Farage clears his desk at Brussels and stops off at the pay and allowances office just long enough to sign for the first of his monthly pension cheques. Not too proud to take EU money for his own personal gain, in full knowledge that what he trousers every month will amount to more than what every British farmer, fisherman and factory put together will get in subsidies from the EU in future. Which will be nothing at all. He considers this to be his crowning achievement.
October: Britain skulks out of Brussels with No Deal. The pound collapses, inflation leaps and businesses start packing their bags to move to Frankfurt. After leaving the EU in order to “take back control of our democratic process”, Parliament is in uproar when Teresa May issues a draft bill which will prevent the elected representatives of the people voting on the matter. "This is the will of the people" she declares. David Davis has gone missing.
November: Nissan announces it will close its car making factory in Sunderland putting thousands out of work. Meanwhile in Parliament, the government votes to bring back bendy cucumbers sold by the Barleycorn, Rod and Bushel, priced in pounds, shillings and pence. The Daily Mail welcomes the return of bobs, tanners and half crowns, hailing it as a tremendous victory for British independence. The Sun gives its readers a free plastic union jack bowler hat and says "It's time to celebrate, folks." Yep, that's really sticking it to Brussels.
December: David Davis is found, two days before Christmas, hiding in a House of Commons cellar, gibbering "Zibbyzabbyzoo" over and over. Attempts to coax him out are only successful after he receives assurances that Brussels Sprouts are off the menu in the Commons dining room and he won't ever have to go back to that nasty old Europe ever again.
It's a promise that's easy to make. The drawbridge is being wound up as they speak.
February: Manchester City win the Premier League before Valentine's Day. Jose Maurinho blames referees and cancels his daily doorstep milk delivery.
March: Victorian undertaker Jacob Rees-Mogg proposes Remain campaigners be burned at the stake as heretics. "This is the word of God" he declares on Have I Got News For You, a programme that gives him airtime out of curiosity for what he's going to come up with next.
April: After months of secret negotiations, Britain signs a trade deal with Liechtenstien to supply them with several second hand tractors. Liam Fox says this "Exciting deal" is precisely what Brexit is all about.
May: Manchester City win the FA Cup and Champions League. Jose Maurinho claims their winning two trophies in one month is "Disrespectful."
June: FIFA World Cup sees England lose 3-0 to Panama and nobody is at all surprised. England fans get beaten up first by Russian hooligans, and then by Russian police. Donald Trump sees headline "England first on plane home" and Tweets "Glad to see England First patriots returning home early with world cup." No Donald, that's FROM the world cup.
July: It is becoming increasingly clear that there will be no trade deal with the EU. When questioned in Parliament, David Davis says that he can't risk government negotiating strategy being revealed after several documents are leaked to the press revealing that the government doesn't have a strategy. He dismisses speculation that he has started taking medication for increasingly severe bouts of depression.
August: David Davis takes his summer holiday in a de-stress clinic just outside Zurich. Teresa May goes walking in the Welsh mountains and has a conversation with a sheep who looks suspiciously like Boris Johnson wearing a sheepskin rug. It tells her to "Caaaaaalllll an election...... caaaaalllll an election....... caaaaallll an election."
September: Man-frog impersonator Nigel Farage clears his desk at Brussels and stops off at the pay and allowances office just long enough to sign for the first of his monthly pension cheques. Not too proud to take EU money for his own personal gain, in full knowledge that what he trousers every month will amount to more than what every British farmer, fisherman and factory put together will get in subsidies from the EU in future. Which will be nothing at all. He considers this to be his crowning achievement.
October: Britain skulks out of Brussels with No Deal. The pound collapses, inflation leaps and businesses start packing their bags to move to Frankfurt. After leaving the EU in order to “take back control of our democratic process”, Parliament is in uproar when Teresa May issues a draft bill which will prevent the elected representatives of the people voting on the matter. "This is the will of the people" she declares. David Davis has gone missing.
November: Nissan announces it will close its car making factory in Sunderland putting thousands out of work. Meanwhile in Parliament, the government votes to bring back bendy cucumbers sold by the Barleycorn, Rod and Bushel, priced in pounds, shillings and pence. The Daily Mail welcomes the return of bobs, tanners and half crowns, hailing it as a tremendous victory for British independence. The Sun gives its readers a free plastic union jack bowler hat and says "It's time to celebrate, folks." Yep, that's really sticking it to Brussels.
December: David Davis is found, two days before Christmas, hiding in a House of Commons cellar, gibbering "Zibbyzabbyzoo" over and over. Attempts to coax him out are only successful after he receives assurances that Brussels Sprouts are off the menu in the Commons dining room and he won't ever have to go back to that nasty old Europe ever again.
It's a promise that's easy to make. The drawbridge is being wound up as they speak.
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