RIP ALTY

[Martino Knockavelli]

As long time members of 1FF and the old place will already know, or dear friend Alty suffered for many years from a lifelong affliction of chronic Common Sense.

In recent years, in large part due to his experiences patrolling a watch tower at Yarl's Wood Immigration Removal Centre, his condition became greatly worsened. His manageable case of Common Sense metastasised and spread, turning to a fully fledged instance of incurable Sensible Centrism Syndrome, with associated spasms of Legitimate Concerns and even, on occasion, voting UKIP.

Confronted by the bleak reality of the years long terminal decline that extended ahead of him, and haunted by arousing fever dreams of Jacob Rees 'What a character!' Mogg singing "Southern trees bear strange fruit" during an after dinner speech at a Football Lads Alliance Christmas party, Alty acted bravely and decisively, and on 26 June 2017, he took his own life.

We come hear to celebrate Alty's life and legacy, and in that spirit, I would ask that you share a favourite memory of the man and the impact he made on you, and us all.

Thanks.

 

[lordofthepies]

I used to naively believe that the British Empire was, on balance, mostly a bad thing for the world.

Then Alty told me to stop being stupid because the Brits gave cricket to those silly little foreign people.

He was so right. How foolish I was.

 

[Craig]

I used to think it was okay to enjoy the kind of beers and lagers I like regardless of their price or how they were brewed. Alty taught me this wasn't okay and I'm a better person because of him.

 

[Martino Knockavelli]

You can say what you like about Alty but the man did not lack for pure stubborn persistence. Rarely was there a man who would proceed so heedlessly and cheerfully in the face of everyone else telling his he was wrong. And so it came to be, that a couple of years ago, Alty decided he would turn his mousetrap like intellect to the challenge of art-house cinema.

The outcome? Alty hated absolutely every film he watched, and in so doing was able to reveal these soi-disant "arty" flicks for the self-indulgent, pretentious, emperor's new clothes that they so obviously are. Soon afterwards, shaken, chastened and shamed, Ingmar Bergman and Michelangelo Antonioni went to early graves.

Classic Alty!

 

[Habbinalan]

I always thought that Stockport had more to offer than Altrincham...............I still hold that opinion.

 

[Aber gas]

Has he gone? Like really gone?
My fav ALTY moment was when I said he was like Richard Littlejohn and he called me a c***.
Halcyon days.

 

[ZianfrancoGoal]

I once asked Alty if he liked me and he said he didn't know me well enough so I said let's get to know eachother and he said no

 

[Pagnell]

Apparently, as a parent you should be flogged until you bleed should your child do anything that renders them noticeable whilst in KFC. Or Harvester.

 

[Martino Knockavelli]

It is no exaggeration to say that Alty has exerted a greater influence on my artistic career than any other figure in history.

Precisely 364 days ago, in response by an Alty missive in the current affairs forum, I was inspired to make this artwork, entitled Brexit After Magritte. I spent a full day on it, and he did not reply. It now hangs in a salon in the south of England.

 

[Red]

Why did he leave? He taught me that DWP staff aren't proto fascists and that sanctions are necessary to motivate benefit claimants to get a job.

 

[Abertawe]

Food banks aren't that bad an idea. They're overused because people choose to go to them instead of need.

 

[Ian_Wrexham]

Alty taught me that Sam Harris, far from being a crypto-fascist hack who is too thick to even understand how badly owned he gets every time he opens his mouth, is in fact the greatest thinker of his age.

I'll never forget the time when I claimed that the reason Romanians were responsible for 90% of migrant crime in Italy was because they make up 90% of the migrant population. Alty bravely set me right and pointed out it was more like 85%.

Farewell, sweet prince. Concerns seem so much less legitimate when you're not around.

 

[The Paranoid Pineapple]

Meh. He's a good guy.

Fwiw, he was wrong on Brexit but right on idiot dickhead children. SO THERE

 

[Techno Natch]

Meh. He's a good guy.

Fwiw, he was wrong on Brexit but right on idiot dickhead children. SO THERE

Yeah Alty was alright. At least he could articulate his opinion and he is a loss that the politics forum in my opinion. His final act was to vote Labour lest you forget.

 

[Martino Knockavelli]

We are here to celebrate Alty's life and it is great that you are posting in that spirit. But please be specific. I have reported your post to admin, no offence intended.

 

[Red]

Yes, as much as I disagreed with him a lot he always articulated his point well. It used to amuse me how he'd become exasperated sometimes and start a post with *sigh* or deary me, as though he was chiding a small child. So why did he leave?

 

[Etty Abrics]

I rated Javier Mascherano but Alty did not. It was only after his transfer to Barcelona and several years of silverware that I realised that he was, in fact, a "talentless workhorse" all along.

 

[Pagnell]

Yeah, I remember that particular claim. I found it funny at the time when he was a Liverpool player, and it's only become increasingly more so since.

 

[JimJams]

He was right. Masch couldnt hold down a place in the mid so had to play in defence just to get some minutes.
Pafetik.

 

[The Paranoid Pineapple]

Couldn't even Masch a potato!! amirite?!?

 

[Indian Dan]

Who the fuck was Alty?

 

[Pagnell]

A beer connoisseur who has a contempt for mass produced larger. He also hates kids.

 

[Martino Knockavelli]

 

[Pagnell]

Yes, I'm aware what my phone did thanks. I couldn't be arsed changing it then or now. Still, well done for noticing.

 

[lordofthepies]

Yes, I'm aware what my phone did thanks. I couldn't be arsed changing it then or now.

My iPhone wouldn't have done that.

 

[Pagnell]

My iPhone wouldn't have done that.

Using swiping input on Google's keyboard? I guess not.

 

[Martino Knockavelli]

Yes, I'm aware what my phone did thanks. I couldn't be arsed changing it then or now.

 

[mistermagic]

Those threads are evil and stupid.

 

[JimJams]

I dunno, I think she looks alright.

 

[Benito]