How football ruined my life - Blog by ex-professional footballer battling depression.

[SALTIRE]

Poor Kenny Sansom is in a terrible way once more.

http://www.mirror.co.uk/sport/football/news/kenny-sansom-homeless-suicide-arsenal-5837774

 

[Footballruinedmylife]

https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015/06/16/rock-bottom/

 

[Footballruinedmylife]

This blog post is very dark and if your not in a positive frame of mind you might be best avoiding it.
It is however me baring my soul and being completely honest about how I feel. No bullshit, undiluted and honest.
https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015/07/21/what-is-the-point/

 

[Magic]

I've read but not commented on a lot of the posts because quite frankly I'm completely ignorant on the topic, and I guess that's a good thing in many ways. I can't begin to imagine how you feel and I'm not going to try to, but I do hope you can find some comfort at some point soon.

 

[Luke_ciderhead]

I've been taking Citalopram for most of my life.

My problem is something else but depression is a large part of it. It's horrible to be sure. Sometimes i'm just down for no reason. No matter how hard I try, I can't pinpoint the source of my depression. It's just this overwhelming feeling of wanting to fall asleep and never wake up. I also occasionally experience the other side of the coin, complete ecstatic mania so it's fair to say I lead an interesting life.

 

[ArmchairDiehard]

Depression is one of those things that no-one can truly understand unless they've been through it themselves. I haven't, but I've had people very close to me affected by it.

 

[SeasideKurt]

This blog post is very dark and if your not in a positive frame of mind you might be best avoiding it.
It is however me baring my soul and being completely honest about how I feel. No bullshit, undiluted and honest.
https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015/07/21/what-is-the-point/

I've only read a few of the blogs so far, but there is help out there. Trust me. There is. Ask for it.

Life is there to be embraced and it's sad to read some of the positions you've been left in and it seems you're on your own. I'll help anyone. More than willing. Even if it's just a phone conversation. Not a topic to be ignored.

 

[Dave-Vale]

Very dark post. I hope you've seen the upsides since that post.

'The Upsides' is the term I use to refer to my better days or weeks.

I had a good few weeks and then I've been hit hard over the last 2 weeks. I'm really struggling.

The anxiety is tougher than the depression sometimes.

 

[TractorBoys]

Very dark post. I hope you've seen the upsides since that post.

'The Upsides' is the term I use to refer to my better days or weeks.

I had a good few weeks and then I've been hit hard over the last 2 weeks. I'm really struggling.

The anxiety is tougher than the depression sometimes.

Will drop you a PM later today mate. Been a while since we spoke.

 

[Footballruinedmylife]

https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015/08/06/my-thoughts-on-visiting-a-psychotherapist/

Not a good day but I am trying at least.

 

[Cashis]

I'll keep checking back for updates. I wish you the very best.

 

[SALTIRE]

https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015/08/06/my-thoughts-on-visiting-a-psychotherapist/

Not a good day but I am trying at least.

One day at a time mate.

 

[Footballruinedmylife]

I have been quiet lately but it's there stalking me. I'm on the brink of a crippling down period. This is my first blog for a month. The catalyst is insomnia and rejection.
As always I really appreciate any feedback and interaction, good or bad.
https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015/09/06/limbo/

 

[Footballruinedmylife]

https://howfootballruinedmylife.wor.../depression-and-how-it-affects-those-closest/
Bits. In total bits.
To those who have sent me personal messages I will reply I due course. Thanks a lot.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Late to the "party" so to speak, but I mentioned a few times on TFF about my own problems with mental health (which were severely compounded by my mother's lengthy episode when I was stuck back at home).

It's very hard to describe to people how it feels when all joy in the world is sapped out, one bad days I just get no enjoyment from anything I actually am quite passionate about, so I just laze about and do nothing with myself. I don't take any pills, that's a personal choice, unfortunately I can pin point where it started, why it got worse and why it has dug its claws in, but it's hard to shift it.

In a way threads like these are good, it's a release to just admit it. I do a lot of writing to get it out as well, issue is people don't talk about it, people think you're a wacko and the "system" from my experience as just a carer is woefully under funded.

 

[Footballruinedmylife]

York City...nice team ;-)

 

[TheMinsterman]

York City...nice team ;-)

Somebody has to support them

 

[Footballruinedmylife]

Somebody has to support them

Someone has to play for them as well ;-)

 

[Footballruinedmylife]

I'm having a tough time at the moment. Just getting through life.
https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015/09/23/identity/

 

[Dave-Vale]

Someone has to play for them as well ;-)

Definite hint at who you played for there I reckon. Also, I think I know who you are.

Love that Bukowski quote at the end.

 

[TomPNE94]

Definite hint at who you played for there I reckon. Also, I think I know who you are.

Love that Bukowski quote at the end.

It's pretty clear who he is to be fair.



I have extremely limited knowledge about the subject matter so I can't even begin to imagine how you feel or think but I hope things get better for you.

 

[Dave-Vale]

It's pretty clear who he is to be fair.



I have extremely limited knowledge about the subject matter so I can't even begin to imagine how you feel or think but I hope things get better for you.

The funny thing is that last part works both ways.

I can't understand why everybody doesn't feel like this.

 

[sl1k]

I'm having a tough time at the moment. Just getting through life.
https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015/09/23/identity/

From my experience, identity is one of the more uncomfortable things to deal with particularly if you've already other sources of anxiety. It's a stability, a foundation, a certainty and helps you feel you've a degree of control/grip on things. In my case, I completely withdrew from close family/friend relationships and became increasingly introverted in my thinking essentially making everything worse. I internalised my whole world (further isolating myself by interacting alot less) and had phases where I found it practically impossible to live in the moment, my mind wondering off at times chaotically where I'd struggle to track or keep track my train of thought. It made me feel dumb, incredibly insecure and vulnerable as fuck. My mind was usually my source of strength, the way I processed and digested reality. With that utterly buggered, it made things fucking hard to say the least. Started sleeping more, some days not wanting to get out of bed just cos I didn't want to come to the realisation of yet another problem or weakness. Couldn't see positivity if it slapped me in the face and on the occasions I did, the stimulation or emotional 'high' was very short lived as the empthasis shifts back to glass half empty mode.

All that mixed in with mad amounts of booze and drugs, I'm just greatful to still be alive and try think about my little boy. Him needing his dad to be around and strong as motivation to keep working on myself.

Edit: I'll add later on how I basically worked on my negative auto pilot thought patterns. Just hold out the best you can mate, you're not alone in this. I've felt my depression to be sort of like an addiction, in the sense that recovery is a life long commitment and relapses are always around the corner if you don't keep yourself healthy, maintain good 'habits' and in a supportive environment.

 

[TomPNE94]

The funny thing is that last part works both ways.

I can't understand why everybody doesn't feel like this.

In my opinion (which is probably completely wrong) is that everyone feels it, just to varying degrees. When I have a bad day I can just put it behind me and move on, I don't linger on it and I'm incredibly glad I am able to do that. I have never been offended easily, if anyone says anything about me, it doesn't upset me really, I just find it funny. Again, I don't understand how it works, I don't think anyone truly does or ever will.

 

[lordofthepies]

It's pretty clear who he is to be fair.

He last played nearly a decade ago and hardly even played any first team games as a pro - most people probably haven't even heard of him. It's not THAT clear.

 

[TomPNE94]

He last played nearly a decade ago and hardly even played any first team games as a pro - most people probably haven't even heard of him. It's not THAT clear.

Oh my bad, didn't see that. I just saw recent break up and played for York and assumed Clarke Carlisle.

 

[lordofthepies]

Oh my bad, didn't see that. I just saw recent break up and played for York and assumed Clarke Carlisle.

He's a goalkeeper who never played in the top flight, so definitely not him. It's not that hard to work out, but he's hardly a hugely well-known player.

 

[JaseTheVillain]

I think I've figured out who he is too. find your blog a good read mate, and I can sort of relate since my girlfriend goes through this, and has attempted to kill herself a few times resulting in me basically being her full time carer at the moment in order to save her from herself I suppose until things improve. Hope you too find improvements within your life. Haven't suffered that badly with depression myself, though I am currently on citalopram, that is more due to anxiety though and depression kind of came with that. Good luck mate!

 

[TheMinsterman]

Sorry to hear that Jase, I had to effectively do the same for my mother too, it's a very stressful role to take on, feel free to send me a PM if you ever want to talk about it.

 

[Baz]

Sod the taboo. I suffer with MH, and it's possible my boy, who's just turned 8, is also suffering with it. If any of you who are suffering, or are a partner of someone suffering i'm always will to support and give advice. Having been through it all and come out the other side, to go through it all again etc, i'm big on seeing people get the support they want. It's good to talk, just remember that.