The Joke thread

[johnnytodd]

a man buys a center peed from the pet shop because he was told it does all the housework for you ...........he gets it home and sets it to work

" go upstairs and clean the bathroom" he says and sure enough 10 minutes later the bathroom is gleaming
" do the dishes and mop the kitchen floor" he says and again within minutes its all done
" hoover the carpets upstairs and down" again its done everywhere is spotless.........a few minutes later he is struggling to find work for his new pet

" right go the shop and get me a pint of milk" he says..........5 minutes later there is no sign of the center peed...........10 mintues goes by and nothing.......40 minutes later and still not back...........he decides to go look for him........just as he goes to leave he spots the center peed at the back door and shouts " fucking hell have you not been yet" ..........the center looks up and replies " give us a chance to put my boots on "

 

[JaseTheVillain]

Would be better if you spelt centipede properly. Also, a Millipede would work better for this joke.

 

[claret50]

Being almost ancient and well past my use by date I can relate to these quips.

A Retired Person's Perspective:

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove
all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much, much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably really . mad

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. ...That makes 1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

 

[nousername]

I didn't get my dream job as a sound technician but I'm not one two, one two, one two complain.

 

[claret50]

Bob receives the following text from his neighbour:

'I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been nobbling your wife, day and night when you're not around, I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again'.


Bob feels anguished and betrayed and enters his bedroom, grabs his gun, and without a word, shoots his wife and kills her.


A few moments later, a second text comes in:


'Damn auto-correct. I meant "Wi-Fi", not "Wife"'.

 

[Pliny Harris]

Where are dyslexic Yorkshiremen most ilkley to come from?

 

[RavenBish]

A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and he says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

 

[Red]

Dear Marge,

The other day I was watching my nextdoor neighbour sunbathing in her garden. I was so aroused by this that I started to masturbate.After several minutes I turned around to discover that my wife had been watching me through the cracks in the door . Is she a pervert?

 

[The Iron]

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample." The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?" "What did he say? What's he want?" His... wife yells back, "He needs your underpants."

 

[johnnytodd]

My mate wrote a book on Penguins last year.....it didnt sell well.....in hindsight he wishes he'd done it on paper

 

[Red]

A deaf couple are at a workingmen's club one night when the wife says go and ask a committee man what sort of turn will be on the stage tonight. The husband says I can't hear you. The wife, shouting, repeats the question. Oh, ok the husband says. He goes over to a committee man and asks what the turn on stage was that night. The committee man replies country & western. The man says you what, I can't hear you? The committee man shouts some country & western. Right, cheers, the husband says. He returns to his wife who shouts to him well, what's the turn? He shouts back to her it's some c*** from Preston.

 

[Pliny Harris]

I don't think we should leave Europe until we've crossed all the Øs and dotted all the Üs.

 

[The Iron]

A man dashed into the A&E dept, and yelled . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'. I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, after protests from the lady, I noticed that there were several taxis - - -

 

[claret50]

Paddy was propping up the wall across the street from a well known brothel in Dublin. At one point he sees a Protestant priest enter.

"Shame", he says, "Pretending to be a holy man and then doing this."

A short time later he sees a Rabbi walk in. "Shame, another guy pretending to be a holy man and then doing this."

Finally, he sees a Catholic priest walk in. "Shame", says Paddy, "one of those lovely lasses must be really sick."

 

[HertsWolf]

After the VW scandal, European authorities are investigating software fitted in Range Rovers that prevents the indicators being used.

 

[HertsWolf]

Would be better if you spelt centipede properly. Also, a Millipede would work better for this joke.

This is actually funnier than the original joke.

 

[SaddlerJonny]

What does a woman what more than anything in the world?

Nothing. She's fine.

 

[HertsWolf]

Jokes about German sausages are always the wurst, tbf.

 

[HertsWolf]

Mate of mine bought an origami farm, but sadly all the cows were rustled.

 

[silkyman]

That's a shame. Did it fold?

 

[HertsWolf]

That's a shame. Did it fold?

Not at first. They papered over the cracks for a while.

 

[Richard Cranium]

Scotland.

 

[mowgli]

Scotland.

Cruel but

 

[johnnytodd]

Saltire says to his mate " Ken Dodd died last night"

" Did he" says his mate

" No Doddy" Saltire replies

 

[JJH]

 

[The Iron]

I left 3 notes scattered around my flat earlier for my girlfriend. They said "WILL", "YOU" and "ME" That should keep her busy for a while.

 

[Pagnell]

View attachment 1934

Could have at least had football on the TV. Then again, it's probably Sky, so just as much chance of there being adverts.

 

[Luke Imp]

They told me I had Type A blood, but it was a Type O.

 

[Red]

A man gets a job at a zoo. One day while he's cleaning out the gorilla cage the phone rings



'Hello'? he says

'Hello I'm Miss Smith from the local primary school, our children are doing a study on gorillas and I was wondering if we could come down to the zoo and see your gorilla?' the teacher said

'Yes, no problem says the man, you can come tomorrow afternoon the man says, so long as the kids don't misbehave'

'Splendid', the teacher says, 'we'll see you tomorrow'



The next morning the man is cleaning out the gorilla cage when he turns around to discover the gorilla is dead. He goes to the head zookeeper and says 'Bill, the gorilla has died and those kids are coming to see it later today'



Bill says 'Hmmm, well you'd better go down to the fancy dress shop and get a gorilla costume then'.



'Are you fucking serious?' the man says.



'Yeah, go on get down there.



The man, feeling very pissed off returns from the costume shop dressed as a gorilla and waits in the cage for the kids.



Later the kids arrive and they start poking him with stick, throwing pop and spitting at him. He think fuck this and goes to the back of the cage so sit on the tyre swing.



The kids shout swing gorilla swing, so he starts to swing. 'Swing higher!', they yell, so he swings higher. 'Higher!' the kids shout, so he swings higher until eventually he flies off the tyre and lands in the lion's enclosure. After a few seconds he gets up and realises where he is. He goes running up to the bars shouting 'Help, get me fucking out of here'. Suddenly a lion shouts to him 'Shut the fuck up, you'll get us all sacked!"

 

[johnnytodd]

went to grab a piece of fog last night........i mist