The Joke thread

[Whitechapel]

I always thought I had a massive cock.

Turned out to be an ostrich

 

[HertsWolf]

Shameless. After he's done all the groundwork.

He may well feel downtrodden and soiled.

 

[HertsWolf]

 

[claret50]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to
ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she
would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to
raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child
turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support
payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife
obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

 

[The Iron]

Me and my wife walked past a posh new restaurant last night... "Did you smell that food?" she asked... "Incredible!" Being the kind person that i am, i thought, sod it. i'll treat her, so we walked past it again.

 

[silkyman]

Man walks into a bar and says 'can I have three pints of Stella, a pint of Guinness, two glasses of Chardonnay, a lemonade and three packets of crisps.

'Hang on, I'll get you a tray....'

'Haven't I got enough to to carry?'

 

[tood]

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

 

[Cheese & Biscuits]

My wife is like a magnet; attractive from the back, repulsive from the front.

 

[Stagat]

My imaginary friend is coming to stay for the night so I've made up a bed for her.

 

[Whitechapel]

I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

 

[johnnytodd]

Just been in the loft to get the xmas tree and decorations........only found a present i hid from the kids from last year..........such a shame it was lovely puppy too.

 

[Laker]

Did you hear that Emirates airlines want to start playing the Flintstones movie on all flights? Dubai don't think it's a good idea but Abu Dhabi do.

 

[Red]

I got on a bus today and saw this man masturbating furiously next to an old woman. I thought to myself I'm not fucking having that, so I challenged him. I ended up losing though because he shot his jizz on the old lady a good 30 seconds before me.

 

[Whitechapel]

So, it finally seems that David Cameron is raising the uni fees. Not to worry, the last thing he tried to raise died at the age of six.

(Found this on my timeline from 2010, I forgot how much grief I received)

 

[johnnytodd]

So, it finally seems that David Cameron is raising the uni fees. Not to worry, the last thing he tried to raise died at the age of six.

(Found this on my timeline from 2010, I forgot how much grief I received)

 

[johnnytodd]

My wife had a stillborn baby today. She was very distraught... I spent hours comforting her.

Anyway... does that have to go in the green wheelie bin, or can I get away with putting it in the black one?

 

[Red]

My wife had a stillborn baby today. She was very distraught... I spent hours comforting her.

Anyway... does that have to go in the green wheelie bin, or can I get away with putting it in the black one?

To my eternal shame I tittered at that.

 

[Pliny Harris]

My imaginary friend is coming to stay for the night so I've made up a bed for her.

My girlfriend says I daydream too much. The joke's on her though, she doesn't even exist.

 

[The Iron]

I came home tonight to find all of the windows and doors open, and everything gone!!! I ask you, what sort of weirdo does that to an advent calendar???

 

[GTFCfish]

When I was younger a Genie said to me I could either have a long penis or a long memory.
I can't remember which one I chose.

 

[Habbinalan]

How far back in this thread do I have to go to find

A deaf person in a bar getting a drink. You gotta band on? Yeah! Jazz band? No. Oh who is it? Country and western. (Returns to other deaf mate) They gotta band on ? Yeah. Jazz band? No, some c*** from Preston.

 

[johnnytodd]

How far back in this thread do I have to go to find

A deaf person in a bar getting a drink. You gotta band on? Yeah! Jazz band? No. Oh who is it? Country and western. (Returns to other deaf mate) They gotta band on ? Yeah. Jazz band? No, some c*** from Preston.

1985

 

[johnnytodd]

Dwarf porn is a little fucked.

 

[johnnytodd]

got text this today made me chuckle,

"You can't park there, it's a disabled space," shouted the car park attendant.

"There are eleven empty spaces - it's not as if eleven disabled people are all going to turn up at once, is it?" I replied.

At which point the Aston Villa team bus pulled up to disprove my theory.

 

[Red]

How far back in this thread do I have to go to find

A deaf person in a bar getting a drink. You gotta band on? Yeah! Jazz band? No. Oh who is it? Country and western. (Returns to other deaf mate) They gotta band on ? Yeah. Jazz band? No, some c*** from Preston.

I think I did it somehwere in the early pages. Mine was a more long winded one though.

 

[Pagnell]

My wife had a stillborn baby today. She was very distraught... I spent hours comforting her.

Anyway... does that have to go in the green wheelie bin, or can I get away with putting it in the black one?

So, it finally seems that David Cameron is raising the uni fees. Not to worry, the last thing he tried to raise died at the age of six.

(Found this on my timeline from 2010, I forgot how much grief I received)

Ok, as we're doing sick child jokes.....

What's 12 inches long and brings tears to women's eyes?

Cot death.

 

[johnnytodd]

Ok, as we're doing sick child jokes.....

What's 12 inches long and brings tears to women's eyes?

Cot death.

Too far that

 

[Stevencc]

You lot are disgraceful.

 

[claret50]

Traffic Wardens Funeral

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground
at a traffic wardens funeral,

A voice from inside screams
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead.
Let me out!"

The vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air in through his teeth
and mutters

"Too fucking late pal, I've all ready done the paperwork"

 

[silkyman]

My wife had a stillborn baby today. She was very distraught... I spent hours comforting her.

Anyway... does that have to go in the green wheelie bin, or can I get away with putting it in the black one?

Jimmy Carr makes the point that a truly great sick joke gets the reaction 'hahahah....ooohhhhh'

That was seriously lacking the 'hahaha' element. It was shit.