The Joke thread

[RavenBish]

Just back from my trip to Poland, have to say it's the worst of the four Teletubbies theme parks.

 

[Stevencc]

 

[claret50]

 

[The Iron]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers,
'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

 

[RavenBish]

I was beaten to a lead role in a film & have planned to get my revenge on Matt Damon ever since.

I'll make him wish he'd never been Bourne.

 

[Tivvyultras]

man goes to see his G.P "Doctor I keep singing Auld Lang Syne over and over again"
The doctor pause for a second looks over his glasses and replys "hmmm better send you to the Burns Unit"

 

[claret50]

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.

My wife won twice last week.'

 

[The Iron]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

 

[Pliny Harris]

My girlfriend reckons football clichés aren't a suitable birthday present, but I've seen them given.

 

[Luke Imp]

My pet mouse, Elvis, died last night. Caught in a trap.

 

[silkyman]

Apparently Dubai doesn't allow repeats of The Flintstones.

Abu Dhabi do.

 

[Laker]

Apparently Dubai doesn't allow repeats of The Flintstones.

Abu Dhabi do.

Too slow.

 

[Stagat]

Yeah man, that joke's ancient.

 

[Christian Slater]

I've got a Muslim, actor mate that's struggling to get work. Apparently there's a big concern about him shooting pilots.

 

[Hurrikeen]

I hear we will be able to get Jimmy Saville advent calendars this year. These are a bit different though, as the flaps only open to 16.

 

[Pliny Harris]

What were we just saying about ancient jokes?

 

[The Iron]

My wife asked me what i was googling on the computer last night.

I explained to her that i was looking for cheap flights.

"Oh, I so love you!" she said, then got all excited, quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever.

Which is odd really, because she's never shown an interest in Darts before.

 

[epic73]

I'm bored

Good

 

[claret50]

True Friendship Among Golfers.

A golfer brings his best friend home unannounced for dinner after a round of golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open-mouthed and listens to the tirade.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f***** did you bring him home unannounced, you stupid f****** idiot?"





"Because he was thinking of getting married."

 

[D B Disco]

True Friendship Among Golfers.

A golfer brings his best friend home unannounced for dinner after a round of golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open-mouthed and listens to the tirade.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f***** did you bring him home unannounced, you stupid f****** idiot?"





"Because he was thinking of getting married."

I would "like" this, but my wife won't let me........

 

[The Iron]

Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed Lesbians. It's called Trydixagain.

 

[silkyman]

Apparently the Oscars were trialling a public online vote to avoid accusations of racism, but binned it when Mesut Özil won Best Picture.

 

[Cheese & Biscuits]

I think I'm missing something to get that one.

 

[epic73]

Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
He got hit by a bus.

 

[epic73]

Why was the boy sad?
There was a frog stapled to his face.

 

[epic73]

What's worse than ten rabbits nailed to a tree?
A rabbit nailed to ten trees.

 

[epic73]

Why did Epic73 die?
Because all of the members of 1FF found out where he lived and bludgeoned him to death like they had done to Red weeks earlier because they were both making absolutely horrendous jokes.

 

[silkyman]

I think I'm missing something to get that one.

Arsenal fans hijacking online polls.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/fo...ns-are-ruining-the-internet-for-everyone.html

 

[D B Disco]

Why did Epic73 die?
Because all of the members of 1FF found out where he lived and bludgeoned him to death like they had done to Red weeks earlier because they were both making absolutely horrendous jokes.

Reminds me of the sick jokes that were popular when I was a kid, such as...

What's the difference between a lorry load of babies and a lorry load of marbles?

You can't pitch fork marbles.

 

[TomPNE94]

Reminds me of the sick jokes that were popular when I was a kid, such as...

What's the difference between a lorry load of babies and a lorry load of marbles?

You can't pitch fork marbles.

What's easier than taking candy from a baby?

Throwing a baby off a cliff.