The Joke thread

[The Iron]

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.
One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

 

[claret50]

Bloke goes to night school to learn magic and join the Magic Circle.
One night ,he gets back home and the wife is standing in the kitchen with their two kids.
"What did you do tonight,Frank?" says the missus
"I learned how to change people into furniture"
"Go on then,change me and the two kids into a three piece suite"

He waves his magic wand ,mutters a spell ,there's a flash and a bang and a three piece suite
is there in the kitchen.

"Very good,now change us back" says the settee.

No matter how hard he tries,he can't reverse the spell and calls 999 and the ambulance as a last resort.

He paces up and down outside the casualty department worried sick and after two hours the doctor emerges
"How's my family,Doctor?"

"They're comfortable"


*I'll get me coat.

 

[eightiesrobin]

^ having that one

 

[johnnytodd]

A bear walks into the pub and asks "Can I have a………………………………………………………Guinness?"

barman reply's, "why the big paws?"

 

[Dirk]

A tramp asked a man for a pound.
"Will you buy booze with it?
"No!" said the tramp
"Will you gamble it away?"
"No!" said the tramp again.
"Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink and gamble?"
************

Not funny? OK, I'll try harder. How about this one:
*************
"A humorous German....."
*************
No? OK, I'll get my coat....

 

[johnnytodd]

Did you know that Princess Dianna had dandruff?

yep they found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment.

 

[claret50]

I rang my mate Stan and his wife answered:

"I wanted to wish you and Stan a good holiday," I said. "You fly from Essex tomorrow, don't you?"

She said, "Stansted."

Blimey, he seemed absolutely fine last week.

RIP Stan.

 

[SaddlerJonny]

I need to tell you something, and I'll be frank...

Spoiler

and you can be Steve.

 

[johnnytodd]

Paddy and Murphy were in the job centre looking for work,

Paddy seen an advert saying "Tree fellers" wanted.

'If only Seamus had been with us we'd have got that job"

 

[PoleyRoley]

What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery driver have in common?

They're both allowed to smell it but not allowed to eat it.

 

[johnnytodd]

Whats green and not very heavy?













light green you thick twat.

 

[mistermagic]

What's a bitch on a diet?

A massive bitch.

 

[claret50]

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

 

[claret50]

I'm sick of Christmas already. I work my fingers to the bone every year to earn enough money to buy my kids the expensive presents they want and what happens? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit....









Still, it's my own fault for marrying her.

 

[johnnytodd]

A paraplegic asks the icecream man for 2 icecream cones.....

' Would u like flakes in those sir?'

'No thanks mate im probably gona drop them anyway'

 

[johnnytodd]

Why did a disproportionate number of black American soldiers die in Vietnam?

Because under fire when the warning
' get down' was shouted.....they got up and boogied.

 

[claret50]

Our window cleaner told me he'd slept with every woman down our street except one. When I told the missus she reckoned it must be the snooty cow at number 27

 

[Dirk]

A young man goes into the supermarket and buys a toothbrush, a tube of toothpaste, a bar of soap, milk and an instant meal.
The checkout girl looks at him and says "Single, huh?"
"I am. How did you guess?"
"Because you're ugly"

*****************************

A woman comes back home to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"Have you killed any?" she asks him
"Yes, two males and two females."
"How can you tell?"
"Two were on the beer can, two were on the phone."

 

[claret50]

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

 

[Red]

A paraplegic asks the icecream man for 2 icecream cones.....

' Would u like flakes in those sir?'

'No thanks mate im probably gona drop them anyway'

 

[Red]

Why did a disproportionate number of black American soldiers die in Vietnam?

Because under fire when the warning
' get down' was shouted.....they got up and boogied.

 

[The Iron]

I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''

 

[claret50]

I just bought a Jehovah's Witness
advent calendar.

Every time you open a door someone tells you to fuck off.

 

[The Jovial Forester]

Just been for an interview at a mirror factory. I could really see myself working there.

 

[Leo]

Salty will enjoy this one...

What do Dundee & Las Vegas have in common ? They are the only two places on the planet where you can swap chips for sex.

 

[mowgli]

I just bought a Jehovah's Witness
advent calendar.

Every time you open a door someone tells you to fuck off.

 

[johnnytodd]

Whats blue and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic.

 

[The Iron]

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer, then looks into his pocket.

He does this over and over again.

Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a beer and then looks into his pocket.

The man responded, " I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good, then i'll go home.

 

[claret50]

A bloke goes home and asks his wife if she'd like to play an adult game called "Wheelbarrow" She says "OK, What have I got to do?" He says "Take all your clothes off and lie on the floor, face down...I'll then pick your legs up and put them under my arms and off we go" "Alright" she says "But don't go past my Mums' house"

 

[Pagnell]

I fell asleep the other night after accidentally taking my weekly Viagra pill with a glass of Tipex.

I woke up with an enormous correction.