The Joke thread

[Christian Slater]

Was she from Manchester or Wigan? If it was Manchester then she would have had a Manchester address. If it was Wigan the she was from Wigan, not Manchester.

It's like saying someone with an Oxford address is from London.

Aside from you being autistic, Wigan is in Greater Manchester, you tart.

 

[johnnytodd]

Yes. I get that bit.

Why was she 'from Manchester'?

Ecclesake !

 

[johnnytodd]

Teacher sees a puddle under under Sarah's chair.

" oh Sarah why didn't u put your hand up"

Sarah's says " I did miss but it just trickled through my fingers"

 

[johnnytodd]

Never laughed so much watching my Mrs work this one out....took 2 hours.

How many Alzheimer sufferers does it take to change a light bulb?

To get to the other side.

 

[RavenBish]

My www.superbowl.com site is starting to get a lot of hits. It seems people are finally appreciating the sheer quality of my owl

 

[Stevencc]

Knock knock
Who's there?
Silkyman
*the sound of a lock being bolted*

 

[TubularBells]

A bloke goes into a Welsh pub and asks for a gin and tonic.
All the pub falls silent, then the landlord says "Where are you from boyo, you sound English"?
"Er, I'm from Bristol actually" he replies nervously.
"Bristol you say, and what do you do in Bristol, look you"? says the Landlord
"I'm a Taxidermist" says the man
"Taxi.... what"? says the Landlord, "is that something to do with transport boyo?
The man says "No I stuff and mount animals"
The landlord shouts "It's OK lads, he's one of us"!

 

[Leo]

 

[TubularBells]

Bob was looking at his wife: no teeth in, tits on her belly, hair a mess and smoking a roll up. Then she cocked her leg and let out a massive fart.
"You are a mess and I'm disgusted with you," He said.
"I'm still the woman you love and married," she said. "Sometimes we all let ourselves go a bit."
Bob replied " But we're on our fucking honeymoon!"

 

[Leo]

Two married women go out on the town together and after too many Bacardi Breezers find that they are too pished for any taxis to take them so decide to walk home. After staggering a fair distance they both feel the need for a slash but dont know where to go.
"Wait a minute," says one, "Thersh a cemetery roundsh the corner. Hic! No onesh will be there this timesh of night. We can go there"
So they stagger to the cemetery, climb the gates and fall in a heap on the other side then run for the cover of the nearest headstones to do their business.
One of the women has her gypsy's kiss and realises she has nothing to wipe herself with, so just shrugs and uses her panties and shoves them in her handbag.
The second woman faces the same problem but is wearing some fancy knickers from Ann Summers and doesnt want to ruin them, so she looks around and sees a big wreath with a wide ribbon stretched across it on an adjacent fresh grave, so grabs the wreath, pulls off the ribbon and uses that to wipe her Aunt Annie and the throws it away and pulls up her expensive grundies.

The next night its the turn of the husbands to have a night out.
As soon as they sit down, one of them says, "I dont mean to be rude or anything, but I'm not letting my missus go out with your wife ever again. Shes a bad influence. Christs knows what they got up to last night but when my one got home she was blocked as f**k and had her knickers hanging out of her handbag!"

"Thats nothing!" replied the other, "Mine promised me some shagging before she went last night and had her fancy knickers on and everything, but she came home stocious, and when I carried her upstairs and put her on the bed for a drunken shag, i pulled down her fancy kecks to find a note stuck to her fanny saying, 'THANKS FOR ALL THE GREAT MEMORIES. WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU. FROM ALL THE LADS AT THE FIRE STATION.' !"

 

[johnnytodd]

Two tramps are walking down the street when one of them starts sniffng the air. He says to the other tramp, “Have you shit your pants?” The other tramp replies, “No!” The first tramp says, “Are you sure?” “Yes!” “Pull your pants down and let me see.” So he pulls his pants down and reveals that they are full of shit. “See, I told you you had shit yourself!” says the first tramp. “Oh, right,” says his mate. “I thought you meant today.”

 

[TubularBells]

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=683337645205167

 

[claret50]

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened?"

"I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home...And guess what I found? Your daughter naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy, there I told you there must be a simple explanation . . . She never got your e-mail

 

[johnnytodd]

Got pulled over yesterday on the M62 by the bizzies.
Copper said "Can you identify yourself please sir?"
I looked in the rear view mirror and said "Yes, it's me, i'm pretty certain"

 

[Jackinky]

My girlfriend told me to stop singing Wondrwall, I said maybe.

 

[johnnytodd]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman see's her arse and walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you"
.

 

[johnnytodd]

Paddy - I'm thinking about getting a dog
Mick - Yeah; what kind
Paddy - Golden retriever
Mick - Fvck off!! You seen how many owners go blind

 

[johnnytodd]

Abertawe was on his driving test ...he completes all his manouvres thus far and is on for a perfect pass score..........then the examiner says " now Aber, when it's safe to do so can u make a u turn"............." make a u turn you say, i've made them scream plenty of times if that counts"

 

[shane]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman see's her arse and walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you"
.

I love that joke.

 

[shane]

I've just come back from a meeting with my psychiatrist who reckons I'm suffering from xenophobia.
http://www.sickipedia.net/j/Racism/All Races/83130
I'll bet any money that I caught it from some foreign bastard.

 

[claret50]

Dear Lord, the past couple of years have been very tough for me because you have taken to Heaven ...my favourite actor Alan Rickman, my favourite horror actor Christopher Lee, my favourite comedians Robin Williams and Ronnie Corbett my favourite singer Joe Cocker, my favourite writer Jackie Collins my favourite magician Paul Daniels my favourite actress Jean Alexander my favourite comedienne Victoria Wood and finally, my favourite presenter Sir Terry Wogan

I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are Tony Blair, Jeremy Corbyn, Michael Gove, Jacob Zuma, Robert Mugabe, Hilary Clinton, Donald Trump and that stupid bitch from Scotland.

 

[Leo]

I got on a bus today and saw this man masturbating furiously next to an old woman. I thought to myself I'm not fucking having that, so I challenged him. I ended up losing though because he shot his jizz on the old lady a good 30 seconds before me.

 

[Leo]

Kiwi and an Aussie go to a pastry shop.
The Aussie whisks three biscuits into his pocket with such speed the baker doesn’t notice.
The Aussie says to the Kiwi: "You’ll never beat that!"
The Kiwi says to the Aussie: "Watch and learn!"
He says to the baker: "Give me a biscuit, I'll show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the biscuit which the Kiwi promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker: "Give me another biscuit for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again: "Give me one more biscuit."
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.
The Kiwi eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and yells: "Where's your famous magic trick?"
The kiwi says: "Look in the Aussie's pocket.".

 

[Leo]

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.

My wife won twice last week

 

[Leo]

Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.



Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'
The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'


At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'


Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.


Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off'

 

[Look Out There Are Llamas]

If the prince had no wealth I presume he was from Nigeria?

 

[Leo]

If the prince had no wealth I presume he was from Nigeria?

absolutely not....from Easterhouse actually.....

 

[Stringy]

Where did Nicholas II get his coffee?

Tsarbucks

 

[johnnytodd]

Paddy rings Virgin Atlantic, "Hello there could ye be tellin' me how long it takes to fly from Dublin to New York?"

The voice on the telephone said "I'll see sir, just a minute."

Paddy "dats fuckin fast enough for me" and hangs up.

 

[johnnytodd]

Murphy opened the morning newspaper and read in the obituary column that he had died.

He phoned his best mate Paddy "Did you see the paper?"They say I died yesterday"

"Yes, I saw it!" Paddy says. "Where the fuck you callin' from?"