The Joke thread

[Leo]

Paddy rings Virgin Atlantic, "Hello there could ye be tellin' me how long it takes to fly from Dublin to New York?"

The voice on the telephone said "I'll see sir, just a minute."

Paddy "dats fuckin fast enough for me" and hangs up.

 

[claret50]

Becky was on her deathbed. Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His praying roused her from her slumber.

She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. My darling Jake," she whispered. Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk." She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. " I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. Everything's all right, go to sleep ." "No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."

"I know," he replied. "That's why I poisoned you."

 

[Leo]

A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my arse."

The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

The man asks: "Is it serious, doctor?" and the doctor replies: "I'm afraid it's just the tip of the iceberg."

 

[D B Disco]

Suicide bombers.............

What makes them tick?

 

[Leo]

My wife and I went to the Royal Show and one of the first exhibits we
stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and
there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .......Smiled and said, 'He
mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice!
a week ! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day .You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

 

[Luke Imp]

My New Year resolution is to stop leaving things so late.

 

[claret50]

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.

 

[johnnytodd]

Paddy was caught cheating in his school exams.........he asked the teacher how she found out.

“It was easy “ said his teacher

Murphy was sitting in front of you and his answer for question 10 “ I don’t know”

and you put “neither do I”

 

[GTFCfish]

Paddy talking to Mick he says 'Mick, I've built a rocket and I'm gonna fly it to the Sun.'

'You idiot' says Mick 'You'll burn to death.'

'Nah' says Paddy 'I've already thought of that, I'm gonna go at night.'

 

[johnnytodd]

Paddy and Murphy on a plane

Murphy says ' if this plane was to suddenly turn upside down, would we fall out Paddy'

Paddy ' nah i will always be your friend Murphy'

 

[johnnytodd]

Paddy is teaching Murphy how to fly a plane and is about to land.

"Now Murphy this fucking runway is really short be very careful, don't over do it or we'll be in the sea "

"ok ok i will , be Jesus is that it down there " Murphy asks

" yes ive just about managed it 3 times so you'll be grand" Paddy replies

they land and the nose of the plane is hovering over the runway edge

" tank fuck for tha Paddy i thought we were in trouble for a minute, will yer look how short the runway is though"

" i know i know but look at how wide it is" Paddy says

 

[GTFCfish]

When I was younger my uncle used to practice hypnosis on me AND..... HE...... NEVER........ INAPPROPRIATELY....... TOUCHED...... ME.......

 

[Laker]

Paddy talking to Mick he says 'Mick, I've built a rocket and I'm gonna fly it to the Sun.'

'You idiot' says Mick 'You'll burn to death.'

'Nah' says Paddy 'I've already thought of that, I'm gonna go at night.'

You're three years too late with that one and it's not a joke - the North Koreans already managed it by going at night:

https://chinadailymail.com/2014/01/28/china-and-u-s-amazed-that-north-korea-landed-on-the-sun/

 

[Leo]

 

[claret50]

Wayne was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Queensland when he saw an elderly Aboriginal man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Aboriginal man if he would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Wayne tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Aboriginal man.

The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Wayne.

'What's in the bag?' asked the old man.

Wayne, looked down at the brown bag and said, ...'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.'

The Aboriginal man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:

'Good trade...'

 

[claret50]

Absolutely devastated, a very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

 

[johnnytodd]

Was talking to a friend about the lack of sex I was getting at home. It was suggested I should surprise the Mrs every now and then with sex in unusual places and make it a bit more passionate etc...

A few days later the Mrs was bending down with her head in the freezer and I just couldn't resist.

I lifted her skirt and slipped it in , I was banging her big time and thought she was moaning for more only for her to turn round and slap me in the face.

Mind you we was in Tesco I suppose.

 

[johnnytodd]

Paddy rings the Dublin Echo

"How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?"

"Five pounds an inch," a woman replies. "Why? What are you selling?"

"A ten-foot fucking ladder," said Paddy before slamming the phone down

 

[claret50]

I bought my wife a hamster skin coat for her birthday - 500 hamster skins went into it. I took her to Thorpe Park for the day and couldn't get her off the big wheel

 

[claret50]

Paddy's wife is about to give birth, so he rushes her to the hospital. When they arrive the midwife asks Paddy how dilated she is. Paddy replies "Oh Jaysus, we're both over the fukcing moon...."

 

[johnnytodd]

Went to the library before and asked the lady at the desk " Do you have a book about Pantomimes?

she said " Its behind you".

 

[Leo]

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."

The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"

The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."

The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."

The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."

The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."

The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."

The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman does this and says "Ready!"

The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."

The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."

The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table.

She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lies face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled.

He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat."

 

[Furry Beaver]

Two parents and their children, a boy and a girl are sitting round the table at dinner time. The girl asks "Why did you call me Teresa?"
The father replies
"Well your Mother loves Easter and Teresa has the same letters as Easter"
The son then asks
"What about my name?"
"Be quiet Alan!"

 

[Leo]

The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to, 'pleasure' himself. He's quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he's just seen. A couple of minutes later, the doorbell rings - it's the window cleaner. The vicar is understandably embarrassed, and asks the man how much he owes him. "50 pounds." comes the reply. "50 pounds?!?" says the vicar, startled.
"Yep, fifty pounds or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv."
So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way.
The following week, the bishop's around for his supper and is having a wander around the vicar's house, admiring his lovely home. He says to the vicar, "Lovely clean windows you've got there vicar, who does them for you?"
"Oh, a guy from the village does them for me, he does a great job," replies the vicar.
"Oh, yeah. How much does he charge you, then?"
"Well," replies the vicar, "fifty pounds, actually"
"Fifty bucks? Blimey!" says the bishop. "He must have seen you coming."

 

[Stevencc]

 

[Leo]

Son: What's love juice daddy?

Me: It's what 2 people make when they're having exciting sex. Anyway? What are you watching?

Son: Wimbledon

 

[claret50]

- Hello! Mario's pizza?

- No sir it's Google Pizza.
- So it's a wrong number?
- No sir, Google bought it.
- OK. Take my order please ..
- Well sir, you want the usual?
- The usual? Do you know me?
- According to caller ID, the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, thick crust
- OK! That's it
- May I now recommend ricotta, arugula with sun dried tomato?
- No, I hate vegetables
- But your cholesterol is 7.4
- How do you know?
- Through the subscriber's guide. We have your blood tests for the last 7 years
- Okay, but I don't want this pizza, I already take medicine
- You haven't taken the medicine regularly, 4 months ago, you only purchased 30 tablets at Drugs Online
- I bought more from another pharmacy
- It's not showing on your credit card
- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
- I have another source of cash
- This is not showing on your last Tax form unless you got it from undeclared income source
-BLOODY HELL? Stuff Google, Facebook, Twitter, and WhatsApp. I'm off to an Island without the internet.

- I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport; it expired 5 weeks ago.."

 

[claret50]

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any knickers and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,

"Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I bought this hat yesterday!"

 

[claret50]

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober."

 

[claret50]

Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary...

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.