The Joke thread

[shane]

I went in Waterstones and said "Got any books on turtles?" the lady said "Hardback?" I said "Yes, and little heads"

 

[Luke Imp]

A few here from a BBC story (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-40999000):

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

 

[Leo]

A few here from a BBC story (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-40999000):

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

I seen that was given as the best joke award at the Edinburgh fringe......... Somebody will have to burst the selector's bubble at sometime surely!

 

[claret50]

A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?" The blonde replies, "I'm OK with the head but how do you give shoulders?"

 

[johnnytodd]

2 chinese men break into a distillery one says " is this whisky" the other replies " i think well make court if were arrested"

 

[mowgli]

2 chinese men break into a distillery one says " is this whisky" the other replies " i think well make court if were arrested"

 

[claret50]

A postman was getting ready to retire and it was his last day on the job. At the first house the man greeted him at the door and gave him a cigar. The mailman said thank you and went on his way.

At the second house a woman gave him £10 and said she would miss him. Again he said thank you and went on his way.

At the third house a beautiful blonde opened the door then pulled him up to her bedroom. They made love for a while. Afterwards she made him breakfast. As he ate he noticed a £1 coin under his coffee cup. The man asks "This has been great and all but what is the £1 coin for?"

The woman replied "Well last night when I told my husband about this being your last day I asked him what I should give you. He said fuck him, give him a pound. But the breakfast was my idea."

 

[appletablepenny]

 

[claret50]

Poor old fool, I thought to myself as i watched an old man fish in a puddle outside the pub.

So I invited the old man inside for a drink. As we sipped our whiskeys, I thought I'd humour the old man and asked, So how many have you caught today?

The old man replied, sonny, you're the eighth

 

[Stevencc]

You'll give Salty ideas.

 

[Leo]

You'll give Salty ideas.

He's tried that....he got chased out of Arbroath.....

 

[Leo]

 

[IpswichIan]

A peacefully day.

We wouldn't thinker when he does is A stinker.

Best joke forever.

 

[JimJams]

Nice going Red. Real nice.

 

[IpswichIan]

The whole thing is between 2005 and 2015, a Catholic is breathing through my air. He or she revenges me. However, according to the rules when I was Protestant, I am still today protestant today, only I take this day since the inhibition of normal thinkers, as it is one of them here that revenge me.

 

[IpswichIan]

2 against 1 my far away are just far from. They can not fight far from.

 

[Leo]

 

[IpswichIan]

Where do I have a sport when I can have two sports, namely football and hockey called ice hockey for the Englishmen.

I know it's tough when they blames only me of over 300 million white people.

 

[epic73]

What???

 

[IpswichIan]

What???

My God doesn't listen to my telling in home with far from people they never come closer.

 

[claret50]

THE CONFESSION....

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I've been
riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up
the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in
text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The
truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not
around In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home
recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again. Please suggest a fee for
usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.


THE ACTIONS....

Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbour
dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down
on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent
message from his neighbour:

THE SECOND MESSAGE....

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last
text. I expect you figured it out anyway, & that you noticed that darned
Autocorrect changed 'Wi-Fi' To 'Wife'. Technology hey?
Regards, Alan.

 

[claret50]

A young girl walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke who she copped off with last night.

He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves.

"You lying toad" she yells "last night you told me you were a stunt pilot"

"No" he says "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team"

 

[Johnnyt]

A young girl walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke who she copped off with last night.

He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves.

"You lying toad" she yells "last night you told me you were a stunt pilot"

"No" he says "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team"

I know him his name is Daz.

 

[claret50]

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every **** time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your **** webbed feet to the floor!!"

The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied "No" and the duck said "Good! Got any grapes?"

 

[Brian Mcculloch Glasgow]

This Lawyer Is Thorough…

The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.

“The bad news is, your blood 
is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”

“What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is 130.”

 

[claret50]

Bloody Amazon...

I ordered 4 Kindles and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD

 

[claret50]

I can relate to this.

Barbara was lying in bed one night. Fred was falling asleep but Barb
was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.

" Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to
get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Barb asked..

"To get my teeth!"

 

[Brian Mcculloch Glasgow]

Wow you look great! Did you lose weight?”
-
“Hey – did you just call me ugly and fat in retrospect?!”

 

[claret50]

I rang Alcohol Concern last night to tell them I was worried that I didn't have enough wine for the weekend.


They're really quite rude, aren't they?

 

[Brian Mcculloch Glasgow]

A blonde girl comes to the emergency room with burns on both ears and says, “Doctor, I was totally lost in thoughts and my phone rang and I picked up a hot iron instead.”
-
The doctor wonders, “And what happened to the other ear?”
-
The blonde girl replies, “Well I had to call my boyfriend to take me to the hospital!”