The Joke thread

[claret50]

I went up to a homeless man sitting on a bench in the town centre today with a cup of coffee for him.
I sat next to him and asked how he'd got in this position.
He said to me "You know, three weeks ago I had it all, a warm comfortable home, a cook, great food, the internet, TV, I used to go to the gym and the swimming pool most days and the library..... everything"
I replied, "Blimey, that's a bit rough, what happened, bad luck, divorce,drugs,alcohol problems"?
He said "Na, I got released from prison"

 

[PuB]

Adam Ant once ran up to me and stole my ice cream.

I was really upset because it was standard vanilla.

 

[claret50]

An American wakes up in hospital.

Doctor: "You were involved in a terrible car crash 3 months ago. You suffered major injuries but everything has healed apart from one thing. We had to amputate your penis. But don't worry. There is $12,000 left from your insurance pay out. We can make you a new penis but it will cost $1000 per inch. Anything you don't spend you can keep. Talk it over with your wife and let me know what size you want"

The following day...........

Doctor: "Have you chatted with your wife?"

Patient "Yes"

Doctor: "What are you having?"

Patient: "A fitted kitchen with granite worktops"

 

[claret50]

A man went into a supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The young greens produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.
Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?" "LLANELLI, sir," the boy replied proudly.
"Why did you leave LLANELLI ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players.""Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from LLANELLI ."
"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play ?''​

 

[The Iron]

Two women are walking home from the bar, they both have to pee so they slip into a nearby cemetery. One uses her panties to wipe herself, and the other uses a wreath off a head stone.

Next night the husbands met at the bar, one looks at the other and says "I'm gonna have to watch my wife, she came home with no panties last night." The other one says "Oh well, mine came home with a card wedged in her ass saying "You were loved and will be missed by the whole entire fire department."

 

[Johnnyt]

Went to the pictures last night with the wife i was just starting to enjoy the film when she nudges me.

" whats up" i said "not enjoying the film?"

"the fella next to me is having a wank" she whispers back

"leave him to it" i said "each to their own"

"but he's using my hand" she said

fuming me

 

[Leo]

Went to the pictures last night with the wife i was just starting to enjoy the film when she nudges me.

" whats up" i said "not enjoying the film?"

"the fella next to me is having a wank" she whispers back

"leave him to it" i said "each to their own"

"but he's using my hand" she said

fuming me

situation could get sticky.....

 

[Laker]

I bought a dog from my local blacksmith today. When I got home and put it on the floor it immediately made a bolt for the door.

 

[Leo]

Dave and his wife, Anne, were driving home one very cold night in Wisconsin, when Anne yells at him to stop the car.
Anne jumps out and picks up a little bundle that was laying in the road.
She brings it back to the car and it turns out it was a baby skunk. It was barely alive, but very cold.
Anne says, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
Dave says, "Okay, get in the car with it."
Anne asks, "Where shall I put it to keep it warm?
Dave says, "Put it between your legs. It ought to be nice and warm there."
Anne says, "But what about the smell?"
Dave says, "Just hold his little nose."
Dave is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.​

 

[FishyMackem]

Yummy! Just heard that Cadbury are releasing an oriental themed chocolate bar. I hope it isn't just a Chinese Wispa...

 

[claret50]

My mate just asked me what ringtone I've got. I said "I've never really looked, but probably light brown".

 

[The Iron]

When you lied on your CV about having previous sheepdog experience.

 

[The Iron]

A wife walked into the kitchen to find the husband swatting flies.

“Did you kill any?” she asked.

“Yes, five”, said the husband, “Three males and two females”

“How could you tell?”, the wife enquired.

“Well”, the husband replied, “there were three on the beer can and two on the phone”

 

[Leo]

been told this was a genuine advert...

 

[Leo]

 

[Leo]

 

[D B Disco]

I've just had a woman on my doorstep for the last half an hour explaining the benefits of brown bread...........

Fucking Hovis witnessses

 

[claret50]

During a lull between the course servings at a White House dinner,
Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson.
Smiling she said, "I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart,
Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"

“Very impressive," said Secretary Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words.
He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”

"Oh, I know", replied Melania, “but neither does the parrot."

 

[PuB]

Have you ever had sex on a campsite?

It's intense.

 

[Pagnell]

Last night I was reading a book about anti-gravity.

I couldn't put it down.

 

[claret50]

Autocorrect is a bastard! Just text my pal asking if he wanted to go for a wank down by the river!

I meant the canal!

 

[Leo]

Autocorrect is a bastard! Just text my pal asking if he wanted to go for a wank down by the river!

I meant the canal!

Claret....the first thing that popped into my head when I laughed at that one was the song...'Messing about on the river'. I have c & p the first 4 lines of the song and they seem quite apt...

When the weather is fine then you know it's a sign
For messing about on the river.
If you take my advice there's nothing so nice
As messing about on the river.

 

[claret50]

The Pope was in Liverpool last week curing the sick and healing the masses and doing all those other Pope type things he does. Anyway, little scouse Johnny comes up to him and says, "Please Mr Pope, can you help me with my hearing?" The pope then placed his hands over the lads ears and blessed him. "Well that's all well and good, "said Johnny. "but my hearings not till next Thursday.

 

[Leo]

The Pope was in Liverpool last week curing the sick and healing the masses and doing all those other Pope type things he does. Anyway, little scouse Johnny comes up to him and says, "Please Mr Pope, can you help me with my hearing?" The pope then placed his hands over the lads ears and blessed him. "Well that's all well and good, "said Johnny. "but my hearings not till next Thursday.

Johnny Todd ?.....

 

[claret50]

Johnny Todd ?.....

Never thought of Toddles.

 

[Redpelt]

A Bolton man see's a sign in a shop window advertising Pies 50p and wanks a pound ,so he goes in and asks the woman behind the counter are you the lass that gives the wanks out ? Woman smiles and replies indeed I am , man replies, well wash those fucking hands I want a pie.

 

[Redpelt]

A little fella gets on an elevator, looks up and sees this colossus of a man standing next to him. No one else is on the elevator. The elevator door closes and after a few seconds the big man notices the little dude staring at him, looks down and says, I'm"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 24 inch penis and my gonads weigh in at 6 pound each , Turner Brown."

The little guy passes out clean and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, "Hey! What's wrong with you?"

In a frail and broken voice the little fella says, "Excuse me, but what precisely did you just say to me?"

The big dude replies, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 24 inch penis, a my gonads weigh in at 6 pound each and my name, is Turner Brown."

The little fella gives a sigh of relief and says, "Thank fuck for that , I thought you said turn around!"

 

[Leo]

Just before a match Jose Mourhino turns to his midfielder and says.....Fred, what wing do you want to play on.....Right said Fred

I'll get me coat.......

 

[Redpelt]

A young married couple are shopping in Tesco's the wife bends over the frozen section and the Husband notices she's not wearing any knickers "Fuck me Girl where's your draws "the Husband says Wife says "How am I supposed to afford any with the money I get off you" , husband says "Ere you go babe go and get some "and hands her a wad of notes ,Old Girl clocks this and thinks to herself I will try that ,so she goes the toilet whips of her draws and comes back out ,she then follows the young Wifes lead and bends over the freezer ,"Fucking hell Queen why aint you got any knickers on" to which the old Girl says "How can I afford them with the Money I get off you " To which the Old Fella replies "Here you go Queen here's a comb at least put it in a fucking centre part.

 

[claret50]

Right said Fred

That was on the car radio the other day, hadn't heard it in years - good ol' Bernard.