The Joke thread

[claret50]

A kid comes home from school and his grandad says "What did you do today,Lad?"

"I got a part in the school play.I'm playing a man who's been married for 29 years"

"Never mind,boy...you'll get a talking part next time"

 

[Redpelt]

Yesterday I looked over the neighbours fence and she was out sunbathing in just a little red bikini ,"wow you look stunning" I said "do you know CPR" ,she giggled and said "why do I take your breath away ? " No" I said ,"Ive just run over your son."

 

[FishyMackem]

I can't remember what 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 are in roman numerals. I M L I V I D

 

[Bobbin']

Met a girl in the pub last night and we ended up going back to her house. After a few more drinks, we started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on the sofa. She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs." I said, "Okay, you grab one end and I'll grab the other!"

 

[mistermagic]

My friend David lost his ID...

Now I call him Dav.

 

[Johnnyt]

Paddy and Murphy are pretending to be deaf to claim disability benefit.

They get called in to the benefits office for a routine check.

Paddy gets called in first and as he walks in, the benefit officer asks him to shut the door behind him and he does.

" you lying bastard Paddy you could obviously hear me say shut the door, thats it your benefits are stopped"says the dole officer.

Paddy walks out gutted hes been caught out.As he does Murphy gets called in for his turn " whatever you do Murph" Paddy says " dont shut the door its a trap"

"Thanks for the tip Paddy" says Murphy

True enough as Murphy walks in the dole officer says
" please shut the door behind you"

Murphy looks straight at the dole officer and says. " shut it your fucking self".

 

[Johnnyt]

When jockey Lester Piggot was jailed for tax evasion it took prison officers 4 attempts to put him in his cell.

Apparently they blindfolded him walked him backwards turned him in a circle 3 times before he finally went in.

 

[Bobbin']

My wife crashed her car yesterday. She told the police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a can at the time...

The police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own back garden!

 

[Leo]

I saw this girl crying, so I asked what was wrong

"I split up with my boyfriend, because he's a sexist pig"

"I'm a great listener, if you want to tell me more," I replied

"You don't even know me" she cried, "why would you want to listen to me?"

"Because you have massive tits"

 

[Leo]

Two guys sneak into a farmer's orchard and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of whatever fruit you want," said the farmer. The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says, "Now shove 'em all up your ass." The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh. "Why are you laughing?" asks the farmer. And the guy replies, "My friend is out picking watermelons!”


A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

 

[Redpelt]

Murphy's wife has never had an orgasm , so they go to the Doctors. After tests the Doctor suggests that Murphy's wife may be overheating during sex.

Murphy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex. After 20 mins of wafting, still no orgasm, so his friend suggests they swop. "I'll fuck her and you waft the towel Murphy". Murphy agrees and within seconds Murphy's wife is screaming with pleasure and has the best and 'only' orgasm ever. Murphy is delighted and proclaims loudly "and that my friend is how to waft a fecking towel."

 

[Redpelt]

I was in a pub in town on Saturday night, I'd had a few drinks and was what can only be described as merry. I noticed two rather well built women sitting drinking at the bar and they both had strong accents I couldn't quite pick up on, so I asked "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?" One of them turned and screamed, "Its Wales, you fucking Dickhead!" I of course immediately apologised and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

 

[The Iron]

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

 

[Johnnyt]

Fella gets a job in an asylum.

First night he's doing his rounds and he sees a man sitting in his bed making loud car noises , screeching roaring turning the steering wheel, changing gear and breaking etc,every car noise you can imagine.

He asks the patient ' what the fuck are you doing mate?

The patient looks up and says ' im driving my masserati'

"There is no car there, its in your imagination you stupid twat" he replies.

The man in the next bed says ' oi you, shut the fuck up will you, i get £10 a week for cleaning that car"

 

[Redpelt]

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongoose ,Coot and Bluey. As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, "fuck me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife." Mongoose says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive shit, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer. Bluey says, "Where'd you get the grog, Mongoose?"
"Coot's wife gave it to me," Mongoose replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?"
'Well, not exactly', Mongoose says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Coot's widow." She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow." Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you fucking are."

 

[Leo]

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongoose ,Coot and Bluey. As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, "fuck me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife." Mongoose says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive shit, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer. Bluey says, "Where'd you get the grog, Mongoose?"
"Coot's wife gave it to me," Mongoose replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?"
'Well, not exactly', Mongoose says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Coot's widow." She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow." Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you fucking are."

....A fucking belter. I was laughing by the time I read the three names ffs!

 

[Leo]

Nike have developed a new pair of trainers for lesbian's called Nike for dykes. They come with an extra long tongue and you can get them off with one finger.

 

[Redpelt]

A man goes to the doctor. "Doctor, I've got a problem with my sex-life." doctor says what's exactly the problem ?" man replies "well doctor, it's like this. I make love to my wife every morning before we get up and If I have time, we do it again before I leave for work. As soon as I arrive, I tear my secretary's clothes off and we set to in my office. At lunch I pop out and see my mistress, and we make love until I have to go back to the office, where my secretary is waiting, naked. After an end of the day blowjob from the receptionist I head home, where my wife is waiting to show me the lingerie she has bought to help tempt me into the evening of passion that awaits me"

Doctor says ," I'm perplexed ,just exactly what is your problem ?"
"Well," says the man, "it hurts when I masturbate."

 

[Redpelt]

My mate said switching off his mother in laws life support machine was the most difficult thing he ever had to do.

He's obviously never tried sneezing holding a full pint.

 

[Redpelt]

Passenger plane out of control and hurtling towards the ground

Stewardess strips off and shouts

"Can any man on this plane make me feel like a real woman for the last time in my life"

Scouser jumps up - rips his shirt off- throws it at the stewardess and shouts

"Get that fucking ironed !"

 

[Johnnyt]

Bought the wife a pair of shoes and a vibrator for her birthday tomorrow.

If she doesnt like the shoes she can go fuck herself.

 

[Leo]

My girlfriend's sister knocked me out today. What kind of psycho puts chloroform on her dirty knickers?

 

[The Iron]

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

 

[silkyman]

A man goes to the doctor. "Doctor, I've got a problem with my sex-life." doctor says what's exactly the problem ?" man replies "well doctor, it's like this. I make love to my wife every morning before we get up and If I have time, we do it again before I leave for work. As soon as I arrive, I tear my secretary's clothes off and we set to in my office. At lunch I pop out and see my mistress, and we make love until I have to go back to the office, where my secretary is waiting, naked. After an end of the day blowjob from the receptionist I head home, where my wife is waiting to show me the lingerie she has bought to help tempt me into the evening of passion that awaits me"

Doctor says ," I'm perplexed ,just exactly what is your problem ?"
"Well," says the man, "it hurts when I masturbate."

That joke is so old that there's a Macc Lads song about it.

 

[Redpelt]

That joke is so old that there's a Macc Lads song about it.

I will endeavour to ensure the next joke I put on the forum cant be associated with a you tube video,if only to stop you trawling through videos to make a point .

Seems like a ridiculous waste of your time,unless you simply wished to confirm your penchant for spreading monotony ? If that is indeed the case , you can rest easy fella ,I can definitively corroborate and if other posters weren't aware of your sullen and sombre demeanor ,well they fucking are now..... Well done you !

 

[Leo]

I will endeavour to ensure the next joke I put on the forum cant be associated with a you tube video,if only to stop you trawling through videos to make a point .

Seems like a ridiculous waste of your time,unless you simply wished to confirm your penchant for spreading monotony ? If that is indeed the case , you can rest easy fella ,I can definitively corroborate and if other posters weren't aware of your sullen and sombre demeanor ,well they fucking are now..... Well done you !

Actually I must have missed out somewhere along the line....I hadn't heard that one previously. Be assured, I'm glad you posted it....I enjoyed it.

 

[Leo]

My 8 year old daughter got sent home from school this morning for saying the c word!

I said, "It's not clever is it?"

She said, "No dad, it wasn't. It was c*nt!"

 

[GTFCfish]

Guy goes to a Doctor, he says Doc I’m having trouble pronouncing my F’s my T’s and my H’s.
Doctor says well you can’t say fucking fairer than that then can you.

 

[GTFCfish]

Little Red Riding Hood walking through the woods and she hears a rustling behind a tree.
“Who’s there”
But the wolf runs away.
Another 100 yards she hears the same rustling again.
“Who’s there”
But the wolf just scarpers again.
Another 50 yards she hears the same noise again.
“Who’s there”
And the wolf turns round and says ‘why don’t you fuck off im trying to have a shit here’.

 

[Johnnyt]

Snow white , Tomb Thumb and Quazzie Modo go to the Guiness book of records HQ to see if they can get in.Snow White says " ill go in first i am surely the worlds mist beautiful woman"

She goes in and 5 minutes later comes out " Yes i am officially the most beautiful woman in the world"

Tom Thumb says " me next i must be the smallest man in the world" he goes in and 2 minutes later comes out shouting " i am officially the worlds smallest man i knew i was"

Quazzie Modo says my turn " i must be the ugliest man in the world" he goes in and 25 minutes later comes out in tears. Snow White and Tom Thumb rush to his side and ask him why he is crying.

Quazzie looks up and wipes away the tears and says " who the fuck is Saltire?"