The Joke thread

[Johnnyt]

Police have found another body at Fred West's house.

They discovered a dwarf in a hanging basket by the patio doors.

 

[Leo]

Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall!

Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for help..

Feel a bit guilty about the wank now!




My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion...

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in!

 

[claret50]

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband, feeling rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

 

[JimJams]

I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge.

 

[Johnnyt]

Had a nice game of Silent Tennis yesterday, its the same as normal tennis but without the racquet.

 

[Red]

Those last two were fucking rammel, but I still laughed at them.

 

[Red]

2 against 1 my far away are just far from. They can not fight far from.

Are you ok?

 

[Stevencc]

Are you ok?

It's just the way he tells them that gets ya.

 

[Leo]

 

[Leo]

Worst Foursomes In Golf History

1. STORMY DANIELS

2. O. J. SIMPSON

3. TED KENNEDY

4. BILL CLINTON



WHY? YOU ASK

1. STORMY IS A HOOKER.

2. O. J. IS A SLICER.

3. TED CAN’T DRIVE OVER WATER.

4. BILL CAN’T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST.

 

[FishyMackem]

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.

“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”

 

[claret50]

I got caught shoplifting a leg of lamb from our local supermarket.

"What are you doing with that?" asked the security guard

I replied "new potatoes, peas, mint sauce and gravy would be nice"

 

[Johnnyt]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

 

[Ronish Baxter]

The husband in a married couple kept farting horribly in bed, for years, it was terrible. His wife suffered greatly and kept nagging him to do something about his indigestion, often saying, “One day, Trevor, your horrible farting is going to force your guts right out!”

The husband only made fun of this feeling very macho.
Until one Christmas day the wife was gutting a turkey for Christmas dinner and had an idea… She took the intestines out and placed them quietly in her sleeping husband’s bed, under the covers.

She couldn’t wait for the husband to wake up – and sure enough, in about one hour, Trevor, all white and shaky, came down the stairs: “Mary, by Golly you were right! That horrible farting did force my guts out! But with the help of our Lord and these two fingers, I set everything right again!”

 

[Johnnyt]

Sad news Verne Troyer commited suicide over money worries, he was struggling to put money on the table every week.

 

[Johnnyt]

Went the doctors yesterday as i was hearing funny noises from my underpants.

Doctor threw me out saying i was talking bollocks.

 

[claret50]

"G'Day mate, it's Bruce from the Aussie help line here..........What's the problem, Cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with me Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now it's all swollen and has completely closed up."

"Bummer, mate...!!!"

"Thanks Bruce, I hadn't thought of that. Bye."

 

[Leo]

"G'Day mate, it's Bruce from the Aussie help line here..........What's the problem, Cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with me Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now it's all swollen and has completely closed up."

"Bummer, mate...!!!"

"Thanks Bruce, I hadn't thought of that. Bye."

Now that's what I call total class......

 

[Johnnyt]

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst texting on my phone i admit it.

The driver got out.. he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy"...

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

 

[Johnnyt]

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off the cliff?











Tequila

 

[Leo]

 

[claret50]

The Nigerian football team were so disappointed with last nights performance that they have said they will personally refund all the expenses to their fans who travelled to support them.

All they need to do is send their bank details, pin codes and Mothers maiden names and they will transfer the money straight to them

 

[Johnnyt]

Paddy & Murphy land on the moon

paddy " woah would you look at that size of this place, its ****in huge Murph'

Murphy ' i know one thing Paddy, no ****ing Cow has jumped over this'

 

[Red]

I nearly bought all John Lennon's albums off ebay last night. Imagine all the PayPal.

 

[appletablepenny]

^ Sounds like a Tim Vine effort

 

[claret50]

The England team visited an orphanage in Russia yesterday. "It's heartbreaking to see their little faces with no hope" said Vladimir age 5

 

[Red]

My wife and I had a massive argument today and told me she's leaving me because she's sick of my sexual fetishes. Before she stormed out I asked if she could slam the door on my penis on her way out.

 

[Leo]

My wife and I had a massive argument today and told me she's leaving me because she's sick of my sexual fetishes. Before she stormed out I asked if she could slam my penis in the door on the way out.

 

[Johnnyt]

A got arrested by a copper once she was fit as fuck, she said "Anything you say can and will be held against you." i said " tits"

 

[Leo]

A got arrested by a copper once she was fit as fuck, she said "Anything you say can and will be held against you." i said " tits"

you've done better mate....