The Joke thread

[Johnnyt]

How come whenever you ring a wrong number its never engaged?

 

[Johnnyt]

Englishman 'Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?'
Paddy 'Who told you that?'

 

[Dirk]

Snow white , Tomb Thumb and Quazzie Modo go to the Guiness book of records HQ to see if they can get in.Snow White says " ill go in first i am surely the worlds mist beautiful woman"

She goes in and 5 minutes later comes out " Yes i am officially the most beautiful woman in the world"

Tom Thumb says " me next i must be the smallest man in the world" he goes in and 2 minutes later comes out shouting " i am officially the worlds smallest man i knew i was"

Quazzie Modo says my turn " i must be the ugliest man in the world" he goes in and 25 minutes later comes out in tears. Snow White and Tom Thumb rush to his side and ask him why he is crying.

Quazzie looks up and wipes away the tears and says " who the fuck is Saltire?"

pmsl

What? No like from Salty? That's ugly!

 

[The Iron]

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

 

[Johnnyt]

Fella asks his wife " whats for tea i'm starving?"
Wife " you will have to wait i'm nipping to Oxfam to drop some of my old clothes off,they send them to Africa to help the people who have no money for food and clothes"
Fella " they cant be that hungry if any of your clothes fit them you fat c***"

he ordered a pizza

pmsl

 

[shane]

Fella asks his wife " whats for tea i'm starving?"
Wife " you will have to wait i'm nipping to Oxfam to drop some of my old clothes off,they send them to Africa to help the people who have no money for food and clothes"
Fella " they cant be that hungry if any of your clothes fit them you fat c***"

he ordered a pizza

pmsl

Its the "you fat c***" that makes that joke

 

[Johnnyt]

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. They were undressing for bed, the husband, a big muscle bound man, tossed his trousers to his new mrs and said:

"Hey, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said. "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it.
I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship

" With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "ffs he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!" She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until you paint the hall stairs and landing at home."

 

[Leo]

Anyway sadly a bus load of Nuns travelling to a holy shrine falls off a cliff and they all perish.
The Nuns all arrive at the Pearly Gates where Saint Peter is waiting for them.
"Welcome Sisters, I am going to ask you all one question and if you answer truly you can pass into The Kingdom of Heaven."
Sister Theresa steps forward ….. "Have you ever touched a man's thingamajig?"
Sister Theresa blushes "Well yes the very end of one with the tip of my pinkie."
"Thank you very being honest sister, put your pinkie into the Font of Holy Water and pass thru the Gates."
Next Sister Dorothy steps forward …. "Have you ever touched a man's thingamajig?"
Sister Dorothy giggles "I have held one in my hand."
"Thank you very being honest sister, put your fist into the Font of Holy Water and pass thru the Gates."
Just then there was a great rumbling in the crowd of nuns as Sister Veronica pushed herself to the head of the queue.
"Why are you in such a great rush Sister?" Saint Peter asks her.
"Well I'm gonna have to gargle in that Holy Water and I don't fancy doing it after The Mother Superior has plunged her arse in it!"

 

[claret50]

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates one morning when forty people from Liverpool showed up. Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group. A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!" "What? All of them are gone?" asked God. "No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"

 

[shane]

I got a really shit pirate copy of the new Bohemian Rhapsody film. All I can see it a little sillhouette of a man.

 

[Leo]

I got a really shit pirate copy of the new Bohemian Rhapsody film. All I can see it a little sillhouette of a man.

makes you wanna go and the Fandango I'd venture.

 

[claret50]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my penis around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the £200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers £20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

 

[Leo]

One of the symptoms of conjunctivitis is when you wake up in the morning your eyes are so sticky you can hardly open them.

My wife has it a lot, sometimes she has conjunctivitis on her tits!

 

[FishyMackem]

It's Christmas so here's my Dad's favourite festive joke...

Why does Santa always come through the chimney?
Because he knows better than to try the back door.

 

[Leo]

Mr. Jones goes for an insurance medical.
Everything is fine, but the doctor is concerned about the discolouration of Jones's penis which has a distinctly orange tinge.
So he asks if Jones perhaps works with chemicals or if his work brings him in contact with any hazardous materials.
Jones replies, "No, I'm retired."
"Really", says the doc, "So how do you pass the time?"
"Eating cheese puffs and watching blue movies!"

 

[FishyMackem]

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

 

[claret50]

Pulled a gypsy bird last night…she asked me if I wanted to go back to hers for a good time….she wasn’t kidding. I went on the Dodgems, the Ghost train, waltzers and came home with a fucking goldfish!!

 

[Leo]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
Pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

 

[Redpelt]

Donald Trump's secretary of defence is delivering his briefing to the President and tells him there has been three Brazilian casualties in a bomb attack ,Trump collapses in a state of shock ,his staff are stunned by this display of emotion ,finally he looks up and asks how many is a Brazillion ?

 

[Redpelt]

Trumps aide rushes straight from his house to the Whitehouse to deliver some truly awful news ,he says "my apologies for my attire Mr President but Ive dashed straight here , the heart of Mexico has been hit by a stray rocket" Trump says "Pyjamas really "

 

[Redpelt]

Pregnant Irish woman phones home "Mam I tink ma waters have broke "mam say Holy Jaysus where are you ringing from " Girls says "from my minge to my ankles "

 

[Pliny Harris]

At last, with the Brexit deadline day postponed, Theresa May focuses on the issues at home and undertakes a cabinet reshuffle.

In good time, the long-overdue news filters through that Chris Grayling has finally been removed from his position as Minister for Transport. A bigger story emerges later when, showing a rare flex of her muscles, May sacks the Home Secretary, Sajid Javid, following his thinly-veiled overtures for the Tory leadership.

But the story that truly rocks social media and Fleet Street alike, is the report that Chris Grayling has been given the Home Secretary job. A man universally seen as utterly incompetent now sits in one of the great offices of state. That morning's Times editorial interprets the news as a decisive, stateswomanlike decision of May's to ensure those closest to her need her more than she needs them, but most people are in sheer disbelief.

This disbelief reaches Theresa May herself when, as she walks into her first cabinet meeting after the reshuffle, she catches Chris Grayling in the seat next to her, brushing the mane of a pink My Little Pony toy. Without taking the time to clear her throat, she croaks, "Chris, what do you think you're doing?!"

Chris stops, glances up to her and replies, "I thought it was my job to create a horse style environment?"

 

[Petersfield]

A ship is caught in a storm and goes down. The only survivor swims to a small island and falls asleep through exhaustion.
When he wakes up, the sky is purple, the sand is purple, the coconut tree is purple, so are his arms legs, and his whole body. He suddenly realises that he has been marooned.

 

[Craig]

The Scotland national football team.

 

[Gavin85]

Why was the Amish girl ex-communicated?

Two men a night.

 

[Fedora Dale]

A survey found that 12-year-old girls in the Black Country had much stronger regional accents than their twin brothers.

Their conclusion - The Female of the Species is More Dudley than the Male...

 

[Gavin85]

Exit signs are apparently on the way out...

 

[PuB]

The area between the front door and the back door at Nando’s is called the peri-perineum.

 

[Red]

during a UK Citizen test a immigration officer asks Mohammed
"question 6 - can you tell me what a cubic foot is please"
Mohammed " i'm not sure but i think my cousin tried to claim disablilty benefit for it"

Wank

 

[oakroader]

my speech impediment has improved immensely.
i put it down to reading thora hatthaways "how to talk properly" book