The Joke thread

[Cheese & Biscuits]

What do you call a man without any shins?

Tony

 

[The Iron]

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied with a loud voice:

"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; He was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said:
"I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice:

“£500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law and I know how to make someone look guilty.”

 

[claret50]

An asylum seeker is greeted at Dover by a good fairy who grants him 3 wishes. The asylum seeker says i'm hungry. (POW) a huge banquet appears! He then says now I want a nice house. (POW) a big mansion with a swimming pool appears. He then says I want to be British. (POW) everything vanishes! He asks where has everything gone? the fairy says you're British now mate, you're Entitled to fuck all.

 

[Red]

An asylum seeker is greeted at Dover by a good fairy who grants him 3 wishes. The asylum seeker says i'm hungry. (POW) a huge banquet appears! He then says now I want a nice house. (POW) a big mansion with a swimming pool appears. He then says I want to be British. (POW) everything vanishes! He asks where has everything gone? the fairy says you're British now mate, you're Entitled to fuck all.

I don't get it.

 

[JaseTheVillain]

I don't get it.

You'd need to understand casual racism to get the joke.

 

[The Iron]

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.'

Happy Gardening.

 

[The Iron]

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice claret. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived home safely and without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from!

 

[Red]

How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her.
A panda goes to a brothel one night. Before choosing his girl he has a drink and some bamboo in the bar. Later, having selected and banged his girl he says 'right, I'm off home'. The whore says "not so fast, if you look up the word prostitute in the dictionary it says 'a person who sells their body for money '". The panda says'if you look up panda in the dictionary it says 'eats shoots and leaves '

 

[Red]

Why was the lion unable to return his faulty PlayStation game to the shop?

Because he had no command of the English language and was unable to articulate the problem.
I admit that I made that up and the joke is a bit flawed because it doesn't disclose how the lion acquired the game.

 

[Red]

Why did the wildebeest successfully return the faulty PlayStation game? Because he did have a good command of the English language and he was doing a favour for his mate the lion who he owed a favour to even though lions and wildebeest wouldn't really be friends.

 

[Red]

Why did the crocodile throw his PlayStation game away? Because he bought it several years ago, had played it several times and its value had depreciated immensely.

 

[Red]

Why did the elephant donate his unwanted PlayStation game to a charity shop? Because he was more civic minded than the crocodile.

That is not to say all elephants are more civic minded than all crocodiles I should point out

 

[Red]

I'm bored

 

[Etty Abrics]

Stop making up jokes

 

[Look Out There Are Llamas]

Why did Red stop playing on the PlayStation?

He got eaten by a crocodile.

 

[Red]

Did you hear the one about the bear who was a mathematical genius? No, me neither because they haven't even got a rudimentary grasp of basic arithmetic.

 

[Red]

Why did the fish go to the police station? Because he was arrested earlier that day in connection with an incident of disturbing the peace.

 

[Look Out There Are Llamas]

Why did the helicopter crash?

Because the pilot was a sausage.

 

[Red]

Why did the zebra enter the library? Because his orienteering skills were poor.

 

[Red]

Why did the helicopter crash?

Because the pilot was a sausage.

That's a ridiculous joke

 

[Red]

How many ears does a werewolf have?
Two according to cultural representations of it.

 

[Look Out There Are Llamas]

That's a ridiculous joke

1FF's very own Jarvis came up with this years ago. The absurdity of it always makes me chuckle, it's actually my favourite joke of all time. Genuinely.

 

[Red]

Did you hear about the black, Irish dog? He was extremely fortunate to be able to rent a room at the first attempt in 1950s England

 

[Look Out There Are Llamas]

I got a parrot; the parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry." So it died.

 

[Red]

1FF's very own Jarvis came up with this years ago. The absurdity of it always makes me chuckle, it's actually my favourite joke of all time. Genuinely.

Yeah the absurdity is funny. I love that sausage joke too. The idea of a sausage that cannot competently fly a a helicopter, mad.

 

[Red]

I got a parrot; the parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry." So it died.

Haha, nice one.

 

[Red]

Why did the devil have a day off from being an utter bastard?
Because his wife told him that unless he starts spending more time with her and the kids she would leave him. They all had a wonderful day out at Legoland

 

[The Iron]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed off. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

 

[Red]

Why did the barn owl rip his newspaper up as quickly as possible? Because he was due to enter a ripping up newspapers as fast as you can competition for owls and wanted to beat tawny owl who always wins.

 

[Red]

Why did the pint of beer go to the jobcentre? Because failure to do so would have resulted in a sanction. If he got a sanction he'd have lost his beer money.