The Joke thread

[claret50]

The HMRC has returned the Tax Return to a man in Evesham after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question Do you have anyone dependent on you?, the man wrote "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 1,1 million civil servants, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole of the European Commission".
The HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.
The man's response back to HMRC was "Who did I miss out?"

 

[chairboyexile]

A man goes to see his doctor "doctor" he says i keep singing Auld Lang Syne over and over again. The doctor looks over his specticals and says........ Better send you to the Burns unit

 

[Womble98]

Where did Sally go during the explosion?

Spoiler: Answer

Everywhere

 

[chairboyexile]

 

[The Iron]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor
comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you
probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the
freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but
your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have £20000 in insurance
compensation coming, and we now have the technology to build a new
penis. They work great, but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £2000
an inch." The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But
I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this
is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five
incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit put out.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a
five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she
plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes, I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"And what was your decision?"
"We're getting granite benchtops and a new kitchen."

 

[nousername]

Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change colour?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

 

[The Iron]

A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of V i a g r a, but his request was denied.

"Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked. "It's not safe," the doctor replied.

"But I need it really bad," the man explained.

"My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday."

"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side effects."

On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up."

 

[chairboyexile]

My friend recently joined a social network in a village on the south coast of England near Chichester.

East Wittering?

No. Facebook.

What about west wittering you snob

 

[SaddlerJonny]

Why did they call it Saturn?

It had a nice ring to it...

 

[The Iron]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.


The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.


While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want

to miss an opportunity either, so he asked... "Well, before

you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.


After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best

kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could

be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........".


The authorities think she may have been pushed.

 

[claret50]

A young Jock takes his girlfriend home and says, 'This is Amanda.'

His Dad replies, 'It's a fuckin what??'.

 

[RavenBish]

My girlfriend is getting bored of my obsession with pretending to be a detective, she's suggested we should split up.

It's a good idea, we'll cover more ground that way.

 

[Pliny Harris]

Q. How do you think the unthinkable?

A. With an itheberg.

 

[Humongous Fungus]

There is a thin line between Numerator and Denominator.

I bet only a fraction of you get this

 

[Red]

There is a thin line between Numerator and Denominator.

I bet only a fraction of you get this

That's vulgar

 

[TomPNE94]

That's vulgar

Nope, it's improper.

 

[claret50]

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door.
One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust line forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.
Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a brilliant flash.......and his legs fall off.

I'll get me coat.

 

[The Iron]

Woman sues hospital for husband’s lack of sex drive.

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight."

 

[Richard Cranium]

Liverpool FC

 

[claret50]

A Yorkshireman orders a headstone for the grave of his dead wife. He asks for a simple inscription saying, ‘She was thine!’ A week later he returns to the stonemason and sees that he’s carved ‘She was thin!’ ‘That’s no good t’me, lad,’ says the Yorkshireman. ‘You’ve left off the “E”.’ The stonemason agrees to rectify the error. A week later the Yorkshireman returns. The inscription now reads ‘E she was thin’.

 

[The Iron]

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

 

[claret50]

Glasgow Flight….
Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Glasgow,

the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement..:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mixup one minute prior to takeoff,

by our airport catering service... I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and,

unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."



When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued.. ,

"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free,

unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came 90 minutes later...

"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have40 dinners available!

 

[Gilly?]

Mugger - *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee - "No, this is a knife."
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette - "Hang on"
*Sifts through 10,000 spoons*

 

[The Iron]

Computer: Please set a password to register.
User: cabbage
Computer: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
User: boiled cabbage
Computer: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
User: 1 boiled cabbage
Computer: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
User: 50soddingboiledcabbages
Computer: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
User: 50SODDINGboiledcabbages
Computer: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
User: 50SoddingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYours, IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessImmediately!
Computer: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
User: NowIAmGettingReallyleft trouser legedOff50SoddingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYoursIfYouDontGiveMeAccessImmediately!
Computer: Sorry, that password is already in use !

 

[claret50]

 

[The Iron]

In a recent survey it was found that people from Liverpool are the most likely to have sex in the shower! 86% of scousers said they had enjoyed sex in the shower, the other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

 

[The Iron]

1) Q: How do you kill 100 flies at once?

A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.


2) The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife They said, "is this your wife?" I replied, "yes" They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus" I said, "i know.. but she takes it up the arse and is good with the kids"

3) I went up to a girl in the club last night and said, "That's a nice dress. Do you know what it'd look even better on?" "Let me guess," she sighed, "Your bedroom floor?" "No," I replied, "A better-looking girl."

 

[Red]

1) Q: How do you kill 100 flies at once?

A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

 

[The Iron]

My mistake Red, it was only 99 flies

 

[Red]

My mistake Red, it was only 99 flies

And one lazy stereotype. Believe it or not they don't all live in a hut in the middle of a dustbowl. There's a city there called Addis Ababa where they even have electricity. I know, one can scarcely believe such a thing but it's true.